Happy 2009!

The first day of the new year. From where I am sitting, the sun is streaming in through the window and the day outside is windy. It is the first day of 2009.

Happy New Year's, everybody!

I am still a little tired from last night, which consisted of going around to Lisa's house (she's my lovely team leader) and staying up to the small hours linking arms and singing 'auld lang syne'. It was a bit of a modern take on an old classic, with Tim playing Bass and Terence (Lisa's husband) on guitar. Lisa, being the teacher that she is, had actually written out all the verses on paper, and stuck them up on the wall, with the original spelling, of course. Some of them caused a bit of merriment as we were singing - the following verse, for example:

And we’ll tak a right gude-willy waught

At that point in the evening, singing about a right good 'willy wart' seemed rather amusing!

I've since looked it up on wikipedia (where else?) and have discovered the following translation:

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old times since ?

CHORUS:

For auld lang syne, my dear,

for auld lang syne,

we'll take a cup of kindness yet,

for auld lang syne.

And surely you’ll buy your pint cup !
And surely I’ll buy mine !
And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have run about the slopes,
and picked the daisies fine ;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have paddled in the stream,
from morning sun till dine^† ;
But seas between us broad have roared
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

And there’s a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.

Anyway, what I like about the poem is the meaning behind it all - putting aside the 'willie warts' and other such things. It seems appropriate to remember all the good times that have passed between people - and to know that although their may be distance between us, there will still be times in the future when we can meet again and be connected once again - and reminis on days gone by.

2008 was an interesting year for me - and I think it was probably the best year yet. I'm finding that the older I get, the more confident I feel, the more at ease I feel with my place in the world. Who knows what 2009 will bring? I'm hoping more of the same, and that some more surprises will happen along the way.

Happy new years and may it bring the best for you, too.

Well, it's been ages, hasn't it?

Gosh, it has been a rather long time since I posted anything in here.

Actually, I was reminded of this blog by James when we met up with James and Kath (and Amy) yesterday. Kath spied my tattoo - and asked me how long I had had it for, and James said that readers of my blog had known about it for quite some time. So that got me thinking, what have my legions of dedicated fans been doing in my absence? how have they been coping without their weekly blog posts? I ended up feeling so guilty about it that I decided so post. So here I am.

I've been pretty busy recently - making - of all things, ugly dolls. If you don't know what ugly dolls are, then click here because I can't be bothered writing out a long-winded explanation:

http://uglydolls.com/

Anyway, I decided, for some insane reason, to make one for each member of my family. So in teh weeks leading up to Christmas, I have spent my evenings hunched over like an old Nana, with a needle in my hand and scraps of fabric all over the place. God, our house is beginning to represent the aftermath of a 'stitch and bitch' group session. Crikey. But the results were good, and I've actually passed on the craze to a few other people (mainly family members as they are as mad as I am.) and of course I've chalked up a list of people to make ugly dolls for. I just can't say no. (sigh)

Another cool thing I've done recently - I went on a 'mini-break' to Akaroa, and went to 'The Giant's House'. It's the house and garden of local artist Josie Martin, and it was full of insanely amazing mosaic sculptures. From the mosaic grand piano on the front lawn complete with stereo soundstystem to numerous water features and mosaics of all shapes and sizes, creating a crazy Dr. Suess like effect. It was definitely worth visiting, and I thorougly recommend it to those of you who may soon be heading down that way.....
In other news - Tim and I are now both on holiday, which is lovely. But it also means that we've got to get up off our backsides and actually start doing all these 'odd jobs' that we've been saving up for this very point in time. Like completely renovate our front garden...... I think we might be taking a trip to Mitre 10 tomorrow (our second home.)

If you're in a mood to treat yourself, you can't go past these!

Carrot and Sultana mini cakes

These are simply the most delicious little things I've baked in a long time (possibly ever). Hmm.... perhaps being on a diet has something to do with it, lol!

They are yummy and moist and just...... divine!

Ingredients:

1/2 cup sultanas
2 large grated carrots
1 1/4 cups plain flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
2 tsp Cinnamon
1 tsp mixed spice
3 eggs
3/4 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar
3/4 cup olive oil

Method:

Turn the oven on to 180 degrees Celsius. Mix the sultanas and carrot together.

Sift together the flour, salt, baking soda and spices in a separate bowl.

In a large bowl, thoroughly beat together the eggs, sugars, and oil. Stir the mixed carrots, and sultanas into the egg mixture until thoroughly combined, then fold in the dry ingredients, mixing no more than necessary.

Spoon the mixture into Muffin pans (silicon bake ware is best for this -trust me) then bake for around 15 mins in the oven.

Eat warm with ice-cream or yoghurt :) - so yummy it could be used as a dessert!

BTW, you may find yourself eating more than one, they are that good!

I never got over it, I just got used to it.

One of the hardest things about getting over someone is that time when you realise that you have got used to being without them. When all that is left is just a dull, hollow acceptance inside that you will never see them again. Life goes on, of course, and things change, and you change too, yet part of you still aches to be with them again.

I've had a pretty shattering day at work (is that even an expression, oh who cares!). Two new admissions to take care of, school and parents to ring. One of my 'new admissions' managed to hack into blocked websites on my laptop, god knows how she did it - she's going to be an interesting "challenge" for the next few weeks.

I'm really hanging out to get some more boys in my class. At the moment, I have a pretty skewed gender balance as there is only one boy, and six girls! and girls can be so so tiring. Boys I find are more straightforward.

Pizza for dinner tonight, we're having Ali over and she's bringing home-made Pizza dough. Then it's off to the gym we go for our first personal training session with Matt. Exciting.

God, this post is like verbal diarrhoea! bleh!

Debbie and Nick's wedding, and my own geekiness.

Hello there all three (two?) blog readers.

I've been out at a wedding today - friends of ours, Debbie and Nick. We stayed for the ceremony part, and then came home. As usual, I ended up playing on my computer (no surprises there) and with the gimp.

Here is a picture of the happy couple :D

An update

So it's been about two months since I last posted an entry in this blog. Crazy how time flies!

Anyway, I'm just nearing the end of my school holidays. *sigh* the dream is almost over. It's been a good break away though. Since going on holiday, I've managed to seriously tackle the garden, not to mention visit the rellies in Christchurch. I had to go into work today, which was a bit of a shock to the system, but I only had to stay for a few hours (thank god!). I guess I'm just slowly easing myself back into it. I came down with a cold yesterday, too, so I'm feeling a little under the weather.

Another good thing is that I've finally sorted out my 'faith' dilemma, and I can now say that I am a proud atheist. So part of that for me will be living more in the here and now, and enjoying life for what it is - because all we have is our time here.

I think a big problem I had with other religions was the concept of punishment for wrong-doing - the idea of burning in hell for all eternity is one I find hard to stomach. Personally, I have never believed that such a place could exist - and I consider it a bit of a 'scare tactic'.

I'm happy to be living in the here and now, and as for the concept of eternal life, I don't think the universe owes it to me. All we have is this life, and that is enough for me.

Takedown

I look up briefly, the sweat pouring down my face. They are coming towards me now - the three of them - Neil leading in the front, Jermaine and Gina behind him, one hand on either side of Neil's back. They are edging forward slowly, cautiously. I can see Neil whispering a command to Jermaine. I struggle to hear what he is saying.

My feet remain rooted to the floor, and I can feel my heart pounding. I know that it's only a matter of time before they're upon me. There is no escape. My eyes dart up, towards the far corner of the room, I am thinking constantly, checking the room for any escape avenues.

I am surprised to see Neil leading the team, as he is the slimmest and least strong of the trio. Jermaine stands to his right, tall, solidly built - the kind of guy that looks as though he could pick you up and snap you in two. Gina stands to his left, behind Neil. She does not look very big, in fact, she is only around my size, but the wiry muscles in her arm are a testament to her stregnth. Besides, she has dealt with a lot of people like me, and has confidence on her side.

Neil begins talking to me, his manchester accent foreign to my ears. He is attempting to descalate my behaviour. I know they don't really want to restrain me unless they absolutely have to.

'You look a little agitated there, Fiona. Is everything alright?'

'No it's not fucking alright!' I snap back, my voice quivering. I feel tears spring to my eyes.

'Come on, let's sit down, talk about it.' he gestures to the row of chairs on the side of the room. 'Shall we have a seat together, then?'

'I don't want a fucking seat! I want you to get the fuck away from me!'

'Are you sure? I think it'd be much better for everyone if you did.'

'Get away from me.' I say, my teeth clenched. I feel ready to fight. 'I'm warning you.'

He stops talking, and inches gradually closer. I know what is coming next and I feel prepared for it. I start running.

Neil reacts first. 'Go!' I hear him yell.

I make to run past them, but they are too quick for me. Neil moves in front of me, and I feel Neil's hands - one on my shoulder, his knuckles against my collarbone. Jermaine and Gina simultaneously grab my arms, rotating them up and around, and forcing me down to my knees. They have my arms in a tight grip - Gina is applying flection to my left wrist and it really really hurts. I cry out in pain but they ignore me, intent on pushing me further towards the ground. I resist, and feel my arms being pulled further back. I am shoved down to my knees.

'Watch it!' I hear Neil yell out, and then 'alright, take her down!'

They come crashing down on either side of me, pulling me down with the weight of their body. Neil's elbows are locked around my face, I can barely hear what is going on. I land with a thump on the cold, hard linoleum floor, feeling my elbows take most of the blow. I wince in pain. Jermaine crashes down on my back, and I can feel his elbow digging into my spine. Gina is still applying too much flection, causing my wrist to bend forward at an unnatural angle.

'Change your locks!' commands Neil. 'Number two, change locks.' Jermaine twists my arm into a triangular shape on the floor, beside me. I can feel him leaning down, securing my arm in place. After a similar command, Gina does the same.

'You're hurting me!' I try to cry out, although my mouth is hard up against the floor, and this muffles my voice somewhat.

'If you would just stay still,' she hisses, as she presses my hand further towards my palm 'there would be no need for any of this. So stop moving and do what you're told.'

'Change locks, number two.' Neil says. 'and place her hands behind her back.'

Jermaine brings my arm out straight, then bends it at the elbow, so my wrist is facing upwards on my back. He doesn't ease the tension he's placed on it, and he kneels in close to me, facing the door, ready to run when given the all clear. Gina then does the same, arm out straight, hand up against my back. This position is extremely painful for me, yet they don't ease up. I guess they don't want to run the risk of me getting away again.

Neil moves in closer, bending himself over my body, and takes my hands in his. 'Number two, check the room' he commands. His hands feel sweaty on mine, and I realise that perhaps this has taken a lot out of him, too.

Jermaine lets go, and moves away. I hear him as he quickly checks the room - removing anything that might be considered dangerous, before moving to the door.

'Clear.' I hear him call out.

'Number three, go!' Neil orders, and suddenly their hold on me is loosened. The tension drains away as my arms fall limply to my sides, I lay still, my energy completely sapped, as I hear the nurses close the door and lock it behind them.

Pictures from July

Brighton Pier: Christchurch
I grew up in South Brighton, A suburb in Christchurch. This is the first time I've been back there in years.


My siblings.... I miss them.

My home-town.
My name, immortalised in stone outside of the Brighton Pier. My sister's name is above mine.

More words...

The day has dawned, bright and beautiful. The sun penetrating through the cold air, and I watch as mist rises up off the ground, as the trees begin to steam in the hot sun. It is such a beautiful day, and it's put me in a rather contemplative mood. I have been thinking about some stuff that has been on my mind recently - especially in terms of friendships. I realise now that the initial anger I felt has passed, that only a tiny fraction of hurt remains. I don't want to keep dwelling in the past, but I want to move on with things, and make things better. I don't know if I can make things 'right' but I can try. It's important to take what you can from situations like this - to learn from them, to grow in the right places. It's much more awesome to have friends than to not have them, and I've learnt that in order to keep friendships going and to honour the other person, that it is best to be honest whenever possible.
I'm not saying that this is easy, because it isn't. It's one of the hardest things to do sometimes, and it's something that I struggle with a lot of the time. However, I'm going to make an effort.
I feel full of hope at the moment...... but I'd still like you to wish me luck all the same.

I (don't) want to be friends.

'I don't feel like I know you, but you know me. I'm getting tired trying to figure out your reasons for why you do things and who you are.' (from one 'friend' to another).

I just wanted to say......

I can't do this any more.
I can't keep pretending,
I can't lie to myself any longer.

You say you wanted to know the real me.
This is the real me.
The real me has been right in front of you, from the beginning.

The more you try to deny it,
The more real I become to you,
And you don't like what you see.

But this is the real me.

I don't think I can help you any longer.
You've drained me,
Taken from me.
All you do is take.

You never think to give,
Or to consider how I might be feeling.
This makes me want to spend less and less time with you.

You don't seem to understand,
That you're not the only one who has problems.
Who wants to talk about stuff,
Who sometimes needs a shoulder to lean on.

No, all you have done is taken from me.

I can't keep this up,
And I don't know how to tell you.

This should be fun!

This is my Friday night - attending a Gothic Masquerade ball - in Palmerston North!

As you can see, 'The Moon Whispers' will be playing - apparently they're on at 10:30pm - which translates roughly to around midnight! haha, so it's going to be a late one.

If any of you feels like a drive up the coast, it could be a fun night.......

A new Tattoo!

Here it is - my newest Tattoo:

I had it done in Christchurch on Monday - funnily enough, almost exactly seven years after I got my first Tattoo (another Swallow, which is on my left shoulder). So that brings my Tattoo total to three - well on my way to being one of those Tattooed ladies. Who knows, perhaps I could carve out a new career for myself - I could join the circus and be on display! haha, pipe dreams!

Anyway, I decided to get a Swallow for quite a number of reasons. I've always admired them in flight - the way they gracefully swoop and dive, and they appear quite a bit in folklore. Apparently, they can represent the fact that you've been on a journey and have come home once again, I like the idea of that - of eventually coming back 'home', no matter how far away you might travel.

It always interests me to find out how people perceive Tattoos. For example, my Mum absolutely hates them, and refused to look at my new Tattoo when I offered to show her. My Grandad on the other hand, surprised me. He told me that the most important thing was that I liked it, although he did joke that I could have paid $2 and brought a 'Transfer' rather than paid $150 for a Tattoo!

I see Tattoos as being something that is highly personal to the person that gets them. To me they represent a symbol of a time in your life. You can look at them and remember what you were going through at that time - they are with you forever and although this might scare some people, I don't regret getting any of mine done.

So I'll be interested to hear your thoughts on Tattoos - if you like them, dislike them, are indifferent to them - and why.

By the way, contrary to popular belief I did not get 'I love Tim' or 'Property of T. Wright' tattooed onto my arse. Although it was tempting..... maybe next time!

Bike riding and other things.

A couple of hours ago, I decided to bike to Upper Hutt to return some library books.

It takes about 10-12 minutes to drive there from our house, so I figured it wouldn't take much longer to ride there on my bike.

Well, I survived the bike ride - roughly half an hour to get there, and slightly less on the way back due to an empty bag and a slight tail wind. However, I must have really pushed myself because when I got home (almost collapsing from exhaustion!) I just couldn't get warm. It was the strangest thing. Even now, a couple of hours later and after a long hot shower, I still feel weird and drained. I guess biking full-on for an hour when you're not used to it, is probably not the best thing to do for your body!

Hmmm..... I can see an evening of wining and dining ahead of me - I'm sure that'll make me feel better!

Work has been full-on this week, too. Lots of professional development. I've been learning the basics of cognitive behaviour therapy, which we will be applying in our classroom, and discussing ethics in detail. I've been finding it all incredibly interesting. Next week, we're off to Lower North Youth Justice (bit of a mouthful, isn't it?) to see how things are run out there. I'm looking forward to it. This job is just so varied, with so much to learn. I feel as though I'm merely at the beginning of my 'journey' - for want of a better term.

So, only 12 teaching days to go until Term 2 holidays - I can't wait! In the meantime, we have some fun stuff coming up. I'm looking forward to seeing Tim when he gets back on Friday, and attending Amy's birthday party, and then in the actual holidays, I have my brother and sister staying for about a week - so it'll be great to catch up with them and show them all the cool things Welly has to offer :D Yay!

Well, that's it for tonight. Time to go prepare for the wining and dining.

xx

Sunday ramblings of a personal nature.

I'm missing Tim!

I dropped him off at the airport a few hours ago, and already I'm feeling rather disjointed, and not really knowing what to do with myself. So far, I've got home, put a load of washing on, done some gardening, and idly surfed the internet (and played around with the 'Gimp' - don't get any crazy ideas, it's merely a Linux photoshop programme, although I'm sure most of you who read this blog know that anyway.....). But now I feel at a loss of what to do. I had all these grandiose schemes in my head, but they seem to pale in comparison to having someone around. It's going to be a lonely five or so days until he gets back.

Being alone always makes me wonder how much of what you are is defined, or based by how other's percieve and treat you when you are around them. Going from being part of a partnership, or collective to being an individual. I was talking to a friend who has recently got out a long-term relationship and moved city, and she described feeling almost a loss of identity now that she has broken up from her partner. She describes missing all the 'in-jokes' they shared, and the feeling of always having someone around to talk to. She misses the nicknames and the comfort of knowing that someone is there to define who you are. I guess when you're alone, there is no one around to confirm your existance, to remind you that you are alive and that your life will leave a mark on the world.

I feel alone right now, but I also know that it is only temporary - tomorrow being a work day and the chance to socialise with my workmates. But I've realised that I don't like being alone, everything seems so much more pointless. I miss Tim so much and it makes me wonder how I'd survive if anything ever happened to him. Would I be strong enough to carry on without him? or would I even want to? I'm beginning to get an inkling about how devestating it would be to lose a spouse, and why some people seem to give up the will to live when their spouse is gone.

Any thoughts?

Getting old

Tick tock, tick tock.

Time to watch another 'House' episode. My life is just full of good TV at the moment.

Ouch!

My little brother broke his leg in the weekend. I think his cast is quite possibly the biggest I have ever seen.....

New job and life in general

So I'm now 3 days into my new job, and so far I'm really enjoying it.

I work with a great team of nurses, psychologists, care workers, social workers, the resident Maori elders (the Kuia and Koro), and Pacific Island cultural representative.

Every morning we all meet to discuss any issues that have come up the night before, and before we begin we sing a song in Te Reo and someone will say a prayer or a Karakia. I really enjoy this part of the day and have found that it helps prepare me for the day ahead. The rest of the day is spent either teaching, or doing admin type stuff.

The best thing about this job (for me) is that I'm doing something that I am really passionate about. Second to that, is being able to work with such a professional and dedicated team.

I might need to pick your brains at some point regarding NCEA level Maths! I was looking through a NCEA level 1 textbook yesterday, and could not for the life of me remember how to do some of the stuff that was in it..... so I could probably do with a refresher course! hmmm.....

Shrimp Jump

A cute little video taken after an afternoon fishing in Titahi Bay.

Veering away from religion for a while -

I've found it fascinating to read the debate that has been raging in the comments section of late, regarding my posts on 'faith' and religion - and it has helped me reach some conclusions regarding my own personal 'faith'.

Anyway, moving on from that.

I had my final day of work at Kapi Mana School on Friday. I feel a great sense of relief to be out of there (at last) - although I will miss some of the kids and staff. I realised as I drove off that night, that I am ready to move on, and I don't feel too sad about it either - I am 100% sure that I've made the right decision for me, and I can't wait to begin learning new stuff and developing my skills further. The new job is really going to push me, but overall it's a challenge I'm willing to undertake. I feel as though my brain has been dormant for long enough!

Annoyingly enough, though, I came down with a cold on Thursday night and have felt like crap ever since. It's one of those irritating throat infections, which renders you incapable of talking without sounding all deep and husky (and then at times high pitched) - rather like a teenage boy. I guess I can see the humourous side of it, but I'm hoping it'll go on it's merry way by tomorrow. So for now it's staying in, watching DVD's by the fire and being pampered by Tim (I'm a lucky girl :D). So there is certainly an upside to it all.

More thoughts

We haven't had the internet working for the past few days, and in some ways it's been a real blessing. I've found time to do the stuff that I would usually put off because surfing the net takes the first priority. I have started another painting, I've got halfway through a book on Bipolar disorder, I even cleaned the cupboards (not as much fun). Ah yes, I've been a busy little thing. So anyway, I realised just how much time I waste aimlessly surfing the web. I thought about all the other stuff I could be doing and decided not to let it rule my life any more. It seems that these days, the internet has turned into my drug of choice - a drug that is all too easy to return to.

I'm still searching for something that resembles a faith that could work for me. I've been talking to as many people as I can, trying to get to know them in terms of their religious beliefs. I've found that for most people, it's a subject that they don't readily wish to discuss (although I was very appreciative of those who decided to share their beliefs with me in the comments section of the previous post). Belief, I've discovered, is a highly personal thing.

I've come to the conclusion that a big part of my problem lies in me feeling lonely and isolated from others - which is why a community of faith seems so appealing. But I just can't seem to find one that will work for me! I like so many aspects of different religions - but do not feel as though any of them suit me as an individual. It's made me start to really examine what I believe, and why. Am I beginning to create my own faith inside myself? It is fascinating to explore what is already there, inside of you.

I keep wondering if perhaps it would be different if I had been bought up in a religious household, instead of a completely atheist one? If I had been indoctrinated into a religion from the beginning then I would have been brought up in a community of some type and perhaps I wouldn't feel as lonely now?

I am of the opinion that I try my best to respect other people's beliefs - if it works for them, then that's a good thing. I enjoy hearing about what people believe, and why. I just don't want to be told what I should believe - because how can someone else know what's best for me?

Anyway, this post is making less and less sense the more I drink and my brain isn't quite up to putting my thoughts into words so I'll leave it at that. To be continued! (maybe when sober).

Feel free to shoot me down if you don't agree with any of this!

Faith

Too much wine brings out my argumentative side - according to Tim. Having said this, he shouldn't be surprised at my current mood given he came home with a sizeable bottle of bubbly. I forget the name now, but I remember him saying that it was a combination of two types of grapes - perhaps pinot gris and something else. I guess it doesn't really matter anyway.

I'm having trouble trying to find a meaning to life at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I really like my life and the direction it is heading in. It's just that sometimes I feel a little hollow, as in what is the whole point in continuing. I feel as though what i lack is a faith of some kind. I believe in what I have with Tim, I believe in where I am going in terms of my career. I just feel as though I'm lacking something essentially, and I don't know what it is. I want my life to feel like it has more meaning, more than just living out another life and the day to day trudge of existence. In the famous (or perhaps not so famous) words of Jarvis Cocker 'Please can you tell me just why we're alive/cos all that we do seems such a waste of time'. Maybe there is no reason, no underlying cause as to why we are here. I guess my ego finds that concept hard to digest. I should probably stop posting blog entries when I'm drunk because I doubt they make much sense. Ah self-doubt.

What I am trying to say is that I feel the need for some type of community of faith to belong to. Somethign that would unite me with other people. At times like this, I really wish that I had something definite to believe in, instead of being like a rudderless ship sailing around in circles forever in some vast ocean that is life.

Pretty much finished

I did some 'touch up' work on my painting last night. I mainly used the dry brush technique to lightly brush colour over the top of what I'd already painted. Its a very effective technique and can make up for a lack of talent, haha!

Here is the finished result: (or as finished as it's ever going to be). I'm planning to give it to my Mum as a Mother's day present - I've always thought that the best presents are the ones you make yourself.

The evolution of a painting

I thought it would be interesting to document the painting process - This is a picture that I painted earlier today - done in acrylics - my favourite medium. It still needs a bit of tinkering, but I think it turned out pretty well!

Rain

Just a quiet day at home today. Time to reflect upon life, and cross out things from the 'to do' list. It has been raining off and on all day long, and I decided I would step outside and try to capture it digitally - here is one of my attempts. Of course, it's a shallow representation of what was truly a fantastic rain storm, but there you go. I've always enjoyed listening to the sound of the rain - in fact, I believe that there is nothing better to listen to at night. It always tends to send me to sleep, when nothing else will. There is just something so soothing about the sound of the rain on the roof.
So yes, just doing the regular house-wife stuff today. I've just put some ingredients in the bread maker for Pizza dough...... mmm...... Pizza with Salami and Olives and cream cheese. Life is good. The bread maker is great as it kneads the dough for around 25 minutes, which means that you get an amazing pizza base which is just as it should be - nice and stretchy and with a lovely texture. I think we'll have to invest in one of those once Ali leaves and takes it with her.


We had some good news today too, from friends Peter and Jo. Peter went in for his operation, only to find out he didn't need to have it at all! Such fantastic news. I think this may be cause for celebration :D I'm so happy for both of them!

In recent times...

I would say that this picture adequately describes the mood I'm in at the moment - playful and happy. I've been on holiday for a week now, and I'm finally beginning to feel relaxed. Last term was really difficult in so many ways, although I feel as though I did a lot of growing during that time and it has lead to new beginnings in the form of a new job, so that's something to be both relieved and excited about. I find whenever I begin a new job, I always start to freak out a few days beforehand. I begin to doubt my own ability, and wonder why they hired me, when surely anyone else could do the job better than me? This time round, I'm trying to stay positive (and realistic) and silence those old tapes whenever they start to play. I know that it's true, a lot of the stuff I'll be doing will be new to me, but I am able to learn and I will become better over time. Sometimes you just need to push yourself that little bit further, and you'll find that you'll grow so much from the experience. This year, I not only want to push myself in terms of my career, but I also want to experience creativity more fully. I'm doing that a bit in my fanfiction writing (which is incredibly bad but I still get a kick out of it, so it works for me!). I also want to get back into painting, and possibly sewing, too. I realised that I spend way too much time watching DVD's when I could be doing other interesting things that actually mean something to me, not just tuning out and turning away from the world. Because essentially that's what I'm doing when I'm watching a movie or TV show. I mean lets face it, it doesn't take much energy to sit in one place for two hours staring at a box! so I'm going to start off with good intentions and we'll see what happens.
I've had a good week in general. We've had Ali to stay, which has been fantastic, and have also caught up with lots of friends over the past week. Last night we had a fantastic dinner at Jo and Peter's place (delicious home-made pasta sauce and yummy AUTHENTIC Italian pasta!) along with a lovely drink of gin, which I managed to spill all over the table. But being the lovely hosts they are, they didn't seem to mind too much at my lack of co-ordination and general clumsiness. Tonight we're cooking a roast chicken, it's one of those nights where all you feel like doing is staying in and eating yummy food. I've baked a caramel slice which we're going to have for dessert. It's to die for and is absolutely loaded with evil ingredients - the main one being butter, and closely followed by condensed milk. Oh, and loads of sugar.
I really wanted to go to the dawn parade yesterday, but couldn't quite rustle myself up out of bed. I've been thinking about the meaning of Anzac day recently, and what it means to me, and it still blows me away that people sacrificed their lives so they could create a better world for all of us. Ok, that sounds naive perhaps, but that is how it feels for me. I think of what my Grandad when through during those years - going off to war when he was little more than 17, and how he wasn't able to experience his youth in the same way that we get to. I admire him so much for that, and I admire and respect all those people that did the same. Their loss of freedom means that we get to enjoy freedom today. We are just so lucky.

Saying goodbye

I had to say goodbye to my class today, and i think it's one of the hardest things i've ever done. I guess part of me expected it to be easy - it was a difficult term and I thought I would be relieved to finish up there. However, my emotions caught me entirely by surprise.

I was struggling to hold back the tears all morning when they started arriving, and I realised that this really was the end. I probably wont' see any of them again. I thought about all the things that had happened over the last time - all the happy times, all the times where I had been pushed to the limit and just wanted to scream(!) all the times where I would have happily traded my job for anything - as long as it didn't require teaching those kids. But when I saw them this morning all I could think of was how much I am going to miss them. I couldn't help but shed a few tears when Damien asked me to guess what he had in his backpack, and then took out a gift bag for me, in which I found a box of chocolates. He had saved up money fromhis paper round to buy them for me. I was so touched I just burst into tears. Then at morning tea time the kids brought out this card they had made for me which they had all signed, saying how much they were going to miss me. It almost became too much. It was hard saying goodbye to my teacher aides, too. I have been blessed with an amazing team and had the pleasure of working with some of the most loyal people imaginable. Needless to say, I cried all the way home and even now still feel like a complete trainwreck. Goodbye Kieran, Ben, Damien, Jonathan, Erin, Stephanie - and my lovely teacher aides Helen and Jenny. I will miss all of you so much.

Surfacing

Coming up for air now - the confusion has gone, the world feels 'real' one again, and my thoughts are no longer haunting me (for now). I'm sitting on the couch, slouched over my Macbook, enjoying the sound that the rain makes as it slowly drips down outside. I'm being warmed from teh inside out by an English Muffin (plain with chutney and cheese....mmm.... my favourite). I feel secure in the knowledge that I am loved and I feel positive about the coming weekend and two weeks holiday. These things feel good and help drive away the negativity that threatens to rear its head. The negativity that is always present to some extent. I'm better at subduing it than I used to be, which is something to be happy (relieved) about I guess. I'm going out tonight, going to eat, drink and dance the night away (hmm... not sure about the dancing part but it seems to fit in the sentence, so I'll keep it). Some band is playing at the Adelaide. I wonder if they serve absinthe there? hmmm.... perhaps htat wouldn't be a good idea? ok, this post is rapidly turning into a stream of consciousness and will probably make little sense so I'll nip it in the bud and bid you all adieu - until next time.

Far from it

All up and down

I'm feeling as though I'm slowly being eroded, like the wind against rock in the desert, like the sea moving against the shore. I'm losing my energy, my life-force. I'm slowly being eroded away, until there will be nothing left.

It's late and I'm alone. I don't want to be alone, yet I deliberately put myself in situations so that I can be alone. It must be some subconscious urge. I'm tired and cranky but i don't want to go sleep just yet. I want to savor this time to myself, urge it to stretch out forever. I don't want to think about things, about work, about people......relationships. I want to just be. I want to sit here and listen to music and try not to think. But it's so hard not to.

The Reward

So, without any further ado, I'd like to announce via the wonderful world of the internet, that I have a new job!

Still in the teaching field, but based in the Mental Health industry, with adolescents who have chronic mental health conditions. I'll be working at the Central Regional Health School in the Rangitahi unit of Kenepuru Hospital. Here is a link for all those that may be interested:

http://www.centralregionalhealth.school.nz/kccrhs/kcindex.shtmlal.

I feel as though it will be a fantastic new challenge for me, and a position where I will be able to develop existing skills and extend myself professionally. Wish me luck!

I start the new job in about six weeks time, so until then I'll be working at the unit at Titahi Bay Intermediate. At the moment, I'm going to work each day feeling both excited and sad. I'm going to miss the kids i work with soooo much! its unbelievable how attached you can get, and how hard it is to say goodbye. Some of the kids I work with at the moment have come a really long way since I began, so it'll be heartbreaking saying goodbye to them.

I can't believe how emotional I'm getting over this!

Anyway, new opportunities, new challenges. Lots of stuff to look forward to. So far, the staff at CRHS seem fantastic - and I can't wait to start my new job.

1 away from 99

I'm feeling stressed........

And as I'm too stressed to write my feelings down, I'll attach a picture instead.

I just have to keep reminding myself that the journey is the reward.

Its update time

I don't think I've published anything here for quite some time, mainly because i had nothing 'positive' I wanted to say, and I didn't want to bog everyone down with negativity. I have this fear that all the stuff I write tends to be depressing crap and god forbid my friends begin to feel like unpaid counsellors! also, I was getting paranoid about people having access to how I was thinking and feeling, and after reading Ben Elton's novel 'Blind Faith' I was beginning to see the merits in keeping things private and not broadcasting it out to the world. Anyway......

March:
March was a bit of an up and down month for me. Things were fine on the home front, but I was finding the whole work situation a little challenging (to say the least). I had gone from being in a team environment to working almost completely by myself in a new environment, with new students and new staff. I had to learn a whole lot of new skills, quickly. To think on my feet and make split-second decisions - how to manage really bad student behaviour, and how to work with people i hadn't worked with before. I spent all of March feeling really tired and overwhelmed, and wanting to hide away from the world. Marathon sessions of "Smallville" with my lovely husband helped, as did being able to come home to our house in the bush. It was also nice to get away over the Easter break - to travel to Christchurch and catch up with my family down there. While I was there, we went to see 'Warbirds over Wanaka' and we took Grandad along. He was based in Cairo during the war and spent lots of time maintaining and repairing such fighter aircraft as Kitty Hawks and Spitfires. So it was fantastic to be with him at an event where we could see the old planes in action.April:
Ok, so I know we haven't had much of April so far. We have had one major development though. One of my oldest friends, Alison, has come to live with us until she buys a house down here. I have known Ali since the good old days in Christchurch (we met in 4th form at Girls High, back in 1994). We're both into similar stuff these days - gardening and baking yummy food, and discussing the mysteries of life - that kind of thing. Ali brought her bread-maker down with her, and we've been making this fantastic pizza base with it.... so we've had pizza for dinner three times in the last four days (I'm sure you would approve, James!) although I think my waistline perhaps won't be better off for it, but what the hell! so that pretty much sums up April, unless you'd like me to reiterate to you the hours I spent planning schoolwork and writing bad fanfiction and all the other mundane things that make up a person's existence.

So thank you for reading, if you'd made it this far. I'd like to thank the Academy, and James, and Jo, and Billy, Frances, Maggie, Sarah, John, and Jeremy for reading. Where would i be without my fans?

One day I'll write you guys a song...... but for now......

Good night!

To go, or to stay? the dilemma.

Last week I turned the grand old age of 28, and had the most wonderful birthday celebrations.... not that my previous birthdays haven't been nice, but this year, I got to spend my birthday with friends at one of my favourite resturants and see the Phoenix Foundation play live (I even spotted Jemaine from "Flight of the Conchords" standing a few meters away from us!). I now feel thoroughly spoilt, and very grateful to have such lovely, caring people around me. Photos above from the night.

So, the dilemma I am faced with is whether or not to stay in my current job. I have a few issues with my workplace, and I'm feeling a bit burnt out by having been teaching for almost three years now. I'm starting to think that it might be time to move on to a different career. Of course, now I have to sort out what skills I do have, and how I can apply them ......

Gardening blog

For those that might be interested, I have created a gardening blog with my best friend, Ali. You can view it here!

http://www.kiwigardeners.blogspot.com

The 94th Post

What a milestone!

Today is technically my last day of freedom, before Thursday heralds a return to the routine and monotony of work.

Ok, so it isn't all that bad. Surely you can get used to everything after a while, right? well I have certainly got used to being on holiday! it must be over six weeks now - a long time - and time enough to get settled into that routine of planning your day based on what you want to do.

I haven't done much today, but it's one of those days which isn't exactly inspiring. A little cold, grey, overcast. Kind of nothing weather, really. Just went for a walk with Tim which was nice, we had a competition to see how long I could go without talking, and I lasted around three minutes.

So in other news, Andy, who is staying with us at the moment, has brought a drum kit! so it's been fantastic listening to him play, as he is pretty damn talented. So if any of you guys need a drum teacher...... get in touch!

You have to ask yourself

More and more in life I'm coming to realize that love is the most important thing.

Love is what binds us together, people are joined by the bonds of love. Love is what connects us to one another. Love is what makes life worth living, it is what makes us smile. It is finding a connection with another person, realizing that we are essentially the same. Love is knowing that you are connected in some way, shape, or form to everyone and everything around you.

What puzzles me is that we are not taught to focus on love and compassion and empathy, but instead are lead to indulge in hate and despair and misery. We are persuaded to be discontented with what we have, we are encouraged to immerse ourselves in the negative aspects of life, disregarding the positive. We are disciplined into seeing the faults in others, rather than their better qualities.

Our world forces us to live either in the past or future - never in the present. It is through obsession in the past, worry for what the future might bring. We are forced (whether consciously or subconsciously) to live in fear.

I want to stop fearing things that happen that I have no control over. I want to live more and experience things and enjoy being alive and surround myself with people and with love and with life! I want to reach a point where I'm not afraid anymore, where I'm not worried with what people think about me, or if I'm good enough or SMART enough or have a good job. I want to rid my life of status anxiety and worry and fear. I think I'm taking the right steps to accomplishing this. I hope I can do it.

Zombie hunting

I wonder what lies inside.... only one way to find out! - I hope there's no Zombies!
Very spooky indeed! I think I can hear something......
Oh no! a Zombie is about to attack me! I'd better fend him off with this bit of piping I found!

Listen to the rain

Don't you just love the sound of the rain?

It's been so hot here, all day long. Muggy and Humid. Hovering around 30 degrees... that yucky, sticky heat. Summer is here, and the sandflies are out in force, making it look as though I have chicken pox. Nasty bites that itch and itch constantly, that you just want to scratch right off! ah, summer.

I do love Summer. I feel it's a time of the year when I'm at my most productive, and happiest. I'm pretty sure I suffer from seasonal depression, so summer and those long sunny days definately agree with me. Apart from the sandflies and mosquitoes of course! blood-sucking little fiends!

We've had a really busy week. Last week was heaps of fun. I caught up with people I hadn't seen for a while (perhaps Tim being out of the country had something to do with it?). I had a great time rocking the night away with James, Kath, and Amy to 'Good Laika' - a band which is well worth seeing. And to my delight, they even covered one of my favourite Beatle's songs "Don't let me down". The next day, Andy arrived from Canada. He was a friend of Tim's back in Tim's Kingston days and has now made the move to emigrate over here. So he's staying with us until he finds a place. He's a drummer and is looking for work, so if anyone knows of anything.... please contact me!
So yesterday we all headed off to the Wairarapa - stopping briefly at Kaitoke regional park on the way. Once in the "Wai" we lunched in Greytown (Corner cafe pies.... yum!) then went to see the 'Stonehenge Aotearoa' - our second visit and hopefully not our last. The highlight of the day for me was exploring the derelict "Haunted" house that lay in the middle of a field across the road from the Stonehenge. I have a fascination with such places, and so I made Tim stop the car so we could all troop on up and inspect it. It was dank and dark inside, the only sound pigeons fluttering around in the loft. It had an air of desolation about it, abandonment. A once stately house turned into a mouldering ruin. I'll post pictures up of it, because I think it's worth a look. We found a bit of piping beside the house, which came in handy for whacking Tim over the head when he turned into a Zombie..... TBC

Halfway through the holidays

Tim just came in and asked me what I was going to write about in my blog tonight - I think he's been noticing that I'm writing in it on a much more regular basis, and then said to me 'you're all enthused because people are reading it.' How right he is. I've realised that one of the reasons I write is to reach out to an audience (sometimes known, sometimes unknown). I write here as a way of connecting with other people - to share some part of myself with them in this virtual way. Life is all about making connections with people. Connecting with others is one of the things that makes life worth living - sharing something, getting to know people, knowing that your'e not alone in this big, crazy wilderness that is life. Typing away at 10:40pm in the evening, thinking that you're the only conscious soul in the world, and then you realise just how many people there are out there, thinking along the exact same lines. So if you are one of those people who read my blog, thank you for reading, and thank you for connecting with me. That is all.

Kaitokes

Tim and I are taking part in an organised walk through the Kaitoke regional park tonight. I'm looking forward to it - and it'll be fun exploring our new 'neighbourhood'. I'll try to get Tim to take his camera along so that we can post some pictures up of the beautiful native bush. I'm just crossing my fingers and hoping that the weather stays clear.

On another note, I've spent the last three hours waiting at home for friends to show up. They were supposed to be here at 12:30pm for lunch, but then didn't arrive. I got a message a couple of hours later, saying that they'd been help up, and that they'd be here as soon as they could. Well, it's now 3:30pm and they're still not here and I'm beginning to get a little tired of waiting. If you're going to be late TEXT or CALL or do something along those lines to let people know what has happened......... grrrr...... rant...... rant..... rant!

So I've basically been a bit of a homebody today. I have tidied the house, done the garden, done some writing, taken photos, surfed the net (a lot). Hmm...... I really should get out more!

By the way, cheers!

I'm gonna enjoy it while i can.

I'm scared......

Something has been on my mind recently, and it's due to a book that I've been reading ('We need to talk about Kevin').

This book, basically, goes into an in-depth analysis of what the (possible) contributing factors could have been into a teenage boy who goes on a shooting rampage at his local school. The story is told through his Mother, in a series of letters to her absent husband. In the letters, she tries to make sense of 'Kevin' - how he came to be the way he was, and it delves into issues that none of us particulary want to address - those of parent/children relationships, and why have children in the first place?

It is freaking me out, because it's bringing all these questions to my mind: reasons to have kids, changes it brings to your life, what kind of parent you will be.

Its made me think about things that are sometimes best left buried.

Yes, I want to have kids one day - personally, I think Tim will make a fantastic Father, and I know I would do the best job I could possibly do...... however, I am wondering if we'd be having kids for the right reason?

Once you get married it is almost expected of you - as though having children and a family is some kind of natural progression, and to not do so would be to go against the natural order of things. But is that really a strong enough reason to breed?

Anyone with kids have any comments on this?

The parental units: Mum and Dad. Mmmm..... Chirstmas cake Icing!

South Island Trip 1: Siblings

It's not often that we're all together these days (I'm in Wellington and Glen lives in Queenstown) but sometimes we meet in the middle (Christchurch - where my little sister, Lizzie, and my parents currently reside).

An Update for James and Jo.

I've finally figured it out! - how to get a semi-decent score on that silly scrabulous application on Facebook. Actually, it wasn't so much figuring it out, as following a link someone sent me to an article about 'scrabble cheating' in which there were listed lots and lots of 'cheat' websites. Excellent. Watch out everyone! haha. You see, I don't consider it cheating when everyone else is doing it too (excellent rationalisation, Fi) I mean, I was wondering how some people were coming up with the words they were using (for example: Ageist, tonier, etc etc). But now I know!

Since we're on the topic of Scrabulous..... I'm becoming increasingly annoyed that it's become a bit of a 'pick up spot' for desperate men on the internet. Often I've begun a game with someone, or been challenged to a game only for it to degenerate into yucky sex chat type stuff. I mean, come on! you know the stuff - the type of thing you find in chatrooms at 3am. I just can't be bothered, and don't even find it mildly amusing anymore. If people want that kind of thing they should go elsewhere for it. Hmph.

(I'm not a prude, by the way, I just find that type of behaviour invasive).

In other news, Tim and I attended a fantastic lunch today at Jo and Peter's house. Yummy food, excellent coffee, wonderful company...... makes me realise I need to get out more :D

By the way, James and Jo, in case you hadn't noticed, this post is dedicated to you guys - probably the only people that read this blog!

And James, I expect to see your blog by the end of the year :D

It makes me wonder who we really write blogs for? I mean, who am I writing this blog for? what compells me to keep at it? not that I've really been 'keeping at it' - unless you class 'keeping at it' as being one post every month or so. I guess I write this blog mainly for myself - its a substitute for diary or journal writing (touch typing is so much faster). I have always kept journals - from when I was about nine years old. Looking back at them they are mainly depressing things covering events that i don't much like to think about anymore. Life has changed. But they are a good way of reminding me how much I have changed and grown and how much better life is now than it was. Life is good now.