The evolution of a painting

I thought it would be interesting to document the painting process - This is a picture that I painted earlier today - done in acrylics - my favourite medium. It still needs a bit of tinkering, but I think it turned out pretty well!

Rain

Just a quiet day at home today. Time to reflect upon life, and cross out things from the 'to do' list. It has been raining off and on all day long, and I decided I would step outside and try to capture it digitally - here is one of my attempts. Of course, it's a shallow representation of what was truly a fantastic rain storm, but there you go. I've always enjoyed listening to the sound of the rain - in fact, I believe that there is nothing better to listen to at night. It always tends to send me to sleep, when nothing else will. There is just something so soothing about the sound of the rain on the roof.
So yes, just doing the regular house-wife stuff today. I've just put some ingredients in the bread maker for Pizza dough...... mmm...... Pizza with Salami and Olives and cream cheese. Life is good. The bread maker is great as it kneads the dough for around 25 minutes, which means that you get an amazing pizza base which is just as it should be - nice and stretchy and with a lovely texture. I think we'll have to invest in one of those once Ali leaves and takes it with her.


We had some good news today too, from friends Peter and Jo. Peter went in for his operation, only to find out he didn't need to have it at all! Such fantastic news. I think this may be cause for celebration :D I'm so happy for both of them!

In recent times...

I would say that this picture adequately describes the mood I'm in at the moment - playful and happy. I've been on holiday for a week now, and I'm finally beginning to feel relaxed. Last term was really difficult in so many ways, although I feel as though I did a lot of growing during that time and it has lead to new beginnings in the form of a new job, so that's something to be both relieved and excited about. I find whenever I begin a new job, I always start to freak out a few days beforehand. I begin to doubt my own ability, and wonder why they hired me, when surely anyone else could do the job better than me? This time round, I'm trying to stay positive (and realistic) and silence those old tapes whenever they start to play. I know that it's true, a lot of the stuff I'll be doing will be new to me, but I am able to learn and I will become better over time. Sometimes you just need to push yourself that little bit further, and you'll find that you'll grow so much from the experience. This year, I not only want to push myself in terms of my career, but I also want to experience creativity more fully. I'm doing that a bit in my fanfiction writing (which is incredibly bad but I still get a kick out of it, so it works for me!). I also want to get back into painting, and possibly sewing, too. I realised that I spend way too much time watching DVD's when I could be doing other interesting things that actually mean something to me, not just tuning out and turning away from the world. Because essentially that's what I'm doing when I'm watching a movie or TV show. I mean lets face it, it doesn't take much energy to sit in one place for two hours staring at a box! so I'm going to start off with good intentions and we'll see what happens.
I've had a good week in general. We've had Ali to stay, which has been fantastic, and have also caught up with lots of friends over the past week. Last night we had a fantastic dinner at Jo and Peter's place (delicious home-made pasta sauce and yummy AUTHENTIC Italian pasta!) along with a lovely drink of gin, which I managed to spill all over the table. But being the lovely hosts they are, they didn't seem to mind too much at my lack of co-ordination and general clumsiness. Tonight we're cooking a roast chicken, it's one of those nights where all you feel like doing is staying in and eating yummy food. I've baked a caramel slice which we're going to have for dessert. It's to die for and is absolutely loaded with evil ingredients - the main one being butter, and closely followed by condensed milk. Oh, and loads of sugar.
I really wanted to go to the dawn parade yesterday, but couldn't quite rustle myself up out of bed. I've been thinking about the meaning of Anzac day recently, and what it means to me, and it still blows me away that people sacrificed their lives so they could create a better world for all of us. Ok, that sounds naive perhaps, but that is how it feels for me. I think of what my Grandad when through during those years - going off to war when he was little more than 17, and how he wasn't able to experience his youth in the same way that we get to. I admire him so much for that, and I admire and respect all those people that did the same. Their loss of freedom means that we get to enjoy freedom today. We are just so lucky.

Saying goodbye

I had to say goodbye to my class today, and i think it's one of the hardest things i've ever done. I guess part of me expected it to be easy - it was a difficult term and I thought I would be relieved to finish up there. However, my emotions caught me entirely by surprise.

I was struggling to hold back the tears all morning when they started arriving, and I realised that this really was the end. I probably wont' see any of them again. I thought about all the things that had happened over the last time - all the happy times, all the times where I had been pushed to the limit and just wanted to scream(!) all the times where I would have happily traded my job for anything - as long as it didn't require teaching those kids. But when I saw them this morning all I could think of was how much I am going to miss them. I couldn't help but shed a few tears when Damien asked me to guess what he had in his backpack, and then took out a gift bag for me, in which I found a box of chocolates. He had saved up money fromhis paper round to buy them for me. I was so touched I just burst into tears. Then at morning tea time the kids brought out this card they had made for me which they had all signed, saying how much they were going to miss me. It almost became too much. It was hard saying goodbye to my teacher aides, too. I have been blessed with an amazing team and had the pleasure of working with some of the most loyal people imaginable. Needless to say, I cried all the way home and even now still feel like a complete trainwreck. Goodbye Kieran, Ben, Damien, Jonathan, Erin, Stephanie - and my lovely teacher aides Helen and Jenny. I will miss all of you so much.

Surfacing

Coming up for air now - the confusion has gone, the world feels 'real' one again, and my thoughts are no longer haunting me (for now). I'm sitting on the couch, slouched over my Macbook, enjoying the sound that the rain makes as it slowly drips down outside. I'm being warmed from teh inside out by an English Muffin (plain with chutney and cheese....mmm.... my favourite). I feel secure in the knowledge that I am loved and I feel positive about the coming weekend and two weeks holiday. These things feel good and help drive away the negativity that threatens to rear its head. The negativity that is always present to some extent. I'm better at subduing it than I used to be, which is something to be happy (relieved) about I guess. I'm going out tonight, going to eat, drink and dance the night away (hmm... not sure about the dancing part but it seems to fit in the sentence, so I'll keep it). Some band is playing at the Adelaide. I wonder if they serve absinthe there? hmmm.... perhaps htat wouldn't be a good idea? ok, this post is rapidly turning into a stream of consciousness and will probably make little sense so I'll nip it in the bud and bid you all adieu - until next time.

Far from it

All up and down

I'm feeling as though I'm slowly being eroded, like the wind against rock in the desert, like the sea moving against the shore. I'm losing my energy, my life-force. I'm slowly being eroded away, until there will be nothing left.

It's late and I'm alone. I don't want to be alone, yet I deliberately put myself in situations so that I can be alone. It must be some subconscious urge. I'm tired and cranky but i don't want to go sleep just yet. I want to savor this time to myself, urge it to stretch out forever. I don't want to think about things, about work, about people......relationships. I want to just be. I want to sit here and listen to music and try not to think. But it's so hard not to.

The Reward

So, without any further ado, I'd like to announce via the wonderful world of the internet, that I have a new job!

Still in the teaching field, but based in the Mental Health industry, with adolescents who have chronic mental health conditions. I'll be working at the Central Regional Health School in the Rangitahi unit of Kenepuru Hospital. Here is a link for all those that may be interested:

http://www.centralregionalhealth.school.nz/kccrhs/kcindex.shtmlal.

I feel as though it will be a fantastic new challenge for me, and a position where I will be able to develop existing skills and extend myself professionally. Wish me luck!

I start the new job in about six weeks time, so until then I'll be working at the unit at Titahi Bay Intermediate. At the moment, I'm going to work each day feeling both excited and sad. I'm going to miss the kids i work with soooo much! its unbelievable how attached you can get, and how hard it is to say goodbye. Some of the kids I work with at the moment have come a really long way since I began, so it'll be heartbreaking saying goodbye to them.

I can't believe how emotional I'm getting over this!

Anyway, new opportunities, new challenges. Lots of stuff to look forward to. So far, the staff at CRHS seem fantastic - and I can't wait to start my new job.

1 away from 99

I'm feeling stressed........

And as I'm too stressed to write my feelings down, I'll attach a picture instead.

I just have to keep reminding myself that the journey is the reward.

Its update time

I don't think I've published anything here for quite some time, mainly because i had nothing 'positive' I wanted to say, and I didn't want to bog everyone down with negativity. I have this fear that all the stuff I write tends to be depressing crap and god forbid my friends begin to feel like unpaid counsellors! also, I was getting paranoid about people having access to how I was thinking and feeling, and after reading Ben Elton's novel 'Blind Faith' I was beginning to see the merits in keeping things private and not broadcasting it out to the world. Anyway......

March:
March was a bit of an up and down month for me. Things were fine on the home front, but I was finding the whole work situation a little challenging (to say the least). I had gone from being in a team environment to working almost completely by myself in a new environment, with new students and new staff. I had to learn a whole lot of new skills, quickly. To think on my feet and make split-second decisions - how to manage really bad student behaviour, and how to work with people i hadn't worked with before. I spent all of March feeling really tired and overwhelmed, and wanting to hide away from the world. Marathon sessions of "Smallville" with my lovely husband helped, as did being able to come home to our house in the bush. It was also nice to get away over the Easter break - to travel to Christchurch and catch up with my family down there. While I was there, we went to see 'Warbirds over Wanaka' and we took Grandad along. He was based in Cairo during the war and spent lots of time maintaining and repairing such fighter aircraft as Kitty Hawks and Spitfires. So it was fantastic to be with him at an event where we could see the old planes in action.April:
Ok, so I know we haven't had much of April so far. We have had one major development though. One of my oldest friends, Alison, has come to live with us until she buys a house down here. I have known Ali since the good old days in Christchurch (we met in 4th form at Girls High, back in 1994). We're both into similar stuff these days - gardening and baking yummy food, and discussing the mysteries of life - that kind of thing. Ali brought her bread-maker down with her, and we've been making this fantastic pizza base with it.... so we've had pizza for dinner three times in the last four days (I'm sure you would approve, James!) although I think my waistline perhaps won't be better off for it, but what the hell! so that pretty much sums up April, unless you'd like me to reiterate to you the hours I spent planning schoolwork and writing bad fanfiction and all the other mundane things that make up a person's existence.

So thank you for reading, if you'd made it this far. I'd like to thank the Academy, and James, and Jo, and Billy, Frances, Maggie, Sarah, John, and Jeremy for reading. Where would i be without my fans?

One day I'll write you guys a song...... but for now......

Good night!