Saying goodbye

I had to say goodbye to my class today, and i think it's one of the hardest things i've ever done. I guess part of me expected it to be easy - it was a difficult term and I thought I would be relieved to finish up there. However, my emotions caught me entirely by surprise.

I was struggling to hold back the tears all morning when they started arriving, and I realised that this really was the end. I probably wont' see any of them again. I thought about all the things that had happened over the last time - all the happy times, all the times where I had been pushed to the limit and just wanted to scream(!) all the times where I would have happily traded my job for anything - as long as it didn't require teaching those kids. But when I saw them this morning all I could think of was how much I am going to miss them. I couldn't help but shed a few tears when Damien asked me to guess what he had in his backpack, and then took out a gift bag for me, in which I found a box of chocolates. He had saved up money fromhis paper round to buy them for me. I was so touched I just burst into tears. Then at morning tea time the kids brought out this card they had made for me which they had all signed, saying how much they were going to miss me. It almost became too much. It was hard saying goodbye to my teacher aides, too. I have been blessed with an amazing team and had the pleasure of working with some of the most loyal people imaginable. Needless to say, I cried all the way home and even now still feel like a complete trainwreck. Goodbye Kieran, Ben, Damien, Jonathan, Erin, Stephanie - and my lovely teacher aides Helen and Jenny. I will miss all of you so much.

Surfacing

Coming up for air now - the confusion has gone, the world feels 'real' one again, and my thoughts are no longer haunting me (for now). I'm sitting on the couch, slouched over my Macbook, enjoying the sound that the rain makes as it slowly drips down outside. I'm being warmed from teh inside out by an English Muffin (plain with chutney and cheese....mmm.... my favourite). I feel secure in the knowledge that I am loved and I feel positive about the coming weekend and two weeks holiday. These things feel good and help drive away the negativity that threatens to rear its head. The negativity that is always present to some extent. I'm better at subduing it than I used to be, which is something to be happy (relieved) about I guess. I'm going out tonight, going to eat, drink and dance the night away (hmm... not sure about the dancing part but it seems to fit in the sentence, so I'll keep it). Some band is playing at the Adelaide. I wonder if they serve absinthe there? hmmm.... perhaps htat wouldn't be a good idea? ok, this post is rapidly turning into a stream of consciousness and will probably make little sense so I'll nip it in the bud and bid you all adieu - until next time.

Far from it

All up and down

I'm feeling as though I'm slowly being eroded, like the wind against rock in the desert, like the sea moving against the shore. I'm losing my energy, my life-force. I'm slowly being eroded away, until there will be nothing left.

It's late and I'm alone. I don't want to be alone, yet I deliberately put myself in situations so that I can be alone. It must be some subconscious urge. I'm tired and cranky but i don't want to go sleep just yet. I want to savor this time to myself, urge it to stretch out forever. I don't want to think about things, about work, about people......relationships. I want to just be. I want to sit here and listen to music and try not to think. But it's so hard not to.

The Reward

So, without any further ado, I'd like to announce via the wonderful world of the internet, that I have a new job!

Still in the teaching field, but based in the Mental Health industry, with adolescents who have chronic mental health conditions. I'll be working at the Central Regional Health School in the Rangitahi unit of Kenepuru Hospital. Here is a link for all those that may be interested:

http://www.centralregionalhealth.school.nz/kccrhs/kcindex.shtmlal.

I feel as though it will be a fantastic new challenge for me, and a position where I will be able to develop existing skills and extend myself professionally. Wish me luck!

I start the new job in about six weeks time, so until then I'll be working at the unit at Titahi Bay Intermediate. At the moment, I'm going to work each day feeling both excited and sad. I'm going to miss the kids i work with soooo much! its unbelievable how attached you can get, and how hard it is to say goodbye. Some of the kids I work with at the moment have come a really long way since I began, so it'll be heartbreaking saying goodbye to them.

I can't believe how emotional I'm getting over this!

Anyway, new opportunities, new challenges. Lots of stuff to look forward to. So far, the staff at CRHS seem fantastic - and I can't wait to start my new job.

1 away from 99

I'm feeling stressed........

And as I'm too stressed to write my feelings down, I'll attach a picture instead.

I just have to keep reminding myself that the journey is the reward.

Its update time

I don't think I've published anything here for quite some time, mainly because i had nothing 'positive' I wanted to say, and I didn't want to bog everyone down with negativity. I have this fear that all the stuff I write tends to be depressing crap and god forbid my friends begin to feel like unpaid counsellors! also, I was getting paranoid about people having access to how I was thinking and feeling, and after reading Ben Elton's novel 'Blind Faith' I was beginning to see the merits in keeping things private and not broadcasting it out to the world. Anyway......

March:
March was a bit of an up and down month for me. Things were fine on the home front, but I was finding the whole work situation a little challenging (to say the least). I had gone from being in a team environment to working almost completely by myself in a new environment, with new students and new staff. I had to learn a whole lot of new skills, quickly. To think on my feet and make split-second decisions - how to manage really bad student behaviour, and how to work with people i hadn't worked with before. I spent all of March feeling really tired and overwhelmed, and wanting to hide away from the world. Marathon sessions of "Smallville" with my lovely husband helped, as did being able to come home to our house in the bush. It was also nice to get away over the Easter break - to travel to Christchurch and catch up with my family down there. While I was there, we went to see 'Warbirds over Wanaka' and we took Grandad along. He was based in Cairo during the war and spent lots of time maintaining and repairing such fighter aircraft as Kitty Hawks and Spitfires. So it was fantastic to be with him at an event where we could see the old planes in action.April:
Ok, so I know we haven't had much of April so far. We have had one major development though. One of my oldest friends, Alison, has come to live with us until she buys a house down here. I have known Ali since the good old days in Christchurch (we met in 4th form at Girls High, back in 1994). We're both into similar stuff these days - gardening and baking yummy food, and discussing the mysteries of life - that kind of thing. Ali brought her bread-maker down with her, and we've been making this fantastic pizza base with it.... so we've had pizza for dinner three times in the last four days (I'm sure you would approve, James!) although I think my waistline perhaps won't be better off for it, but what the hell! so that pretty much sums up April, unless you'd like me to reiterate to you the hours I spent planning schoolwork and writing bad fanfiction and all the other mundane things that make up a person's existence.

So thank you for reading, if you'd made it this far. I'd like to thank the Academy, and James, and Jo, and Billy, Frances, Maggie, Sarah, John, and Jeremy for reading. Where would i be without my fans?

One day I'll write you guys a song...... but for now......

Good night!