Time for some honesty!

Do you ever wake up, look at yourself, and wonder where all the years have gone? will time always move this fast? I woke up a while back, maybe a couple of weeks or so ago, with just a complete feeling of panic. I felt as though life was passing me by, and that I hadn't even begun doing what I wanted to do. Its like you have this mental image in your mind of the future, and then you realise that you are living the future - that its not something that is just going to happen 'one day' - but that it is something happening right now. I have so many things I want to do in my life - and am I doing them? no, not all of them. I want to write, I want to spend time in solitude, I want to see other countries, meet people that stimulate me......... who encourage me, and allow me to be myself. So much of what I do feels like an act - as though I'm playing a role or a part in some greater production - that I am an actor struggling to remember my lines and show the appropriate emotions that is required of her. I guess I'm afraid to be myself around other people because I've got this fear of being turned away - of being shot down. And to be honest, I find it hard to trust people, I find it hard to believe that they're not going to try and harm me in some way. Some of this stems from experiences I've had in my life where I've been hurt badly by those I've loved, and so I get afraid to open up, afraid to try. I often wonder if perhaps everyone feels like this? or maybe its just me and my lack of confidence?

Well, I suppose you just have to keep trying. You have to, otherwise you might as well go and live in a cave and stop interacting with other people altogether. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm going to try harder to break down the barriers between myself and others, but at the same time, I think that if I get hurt one more time I won't have the strength to try again, not for a long time, anyway. I'm so grateful for the people in my life that I trust completely and can open up to completely, and I'm going to try to do this more, and extend my group of confidantes.

God, this is making barely any sense! maybe I need another drink?

I'm probably going to look at this and cringe, at some later stage. But it does feel refreshing to just be honest for a change. I think I'll continue this post at some later stage, but for now, I'll leave you with this to think about: