Update

It's the beginning of another week, and hopefully the beginning of a new era in the feeding of Vivienne! we saw the pediatrician this morning (which we'd been hanging out for for almost a month!) and she completely reassured us. Yes, we were feeding her enough. Yes, her eating behaviours were most certainly caused by reflux. Could it be managed? yes, with medication. And to top it all off, she was weighed while she was there and she has gained some weight! our little girl now weighs a nice round 5kg :)

All I can say is, if your baby is suffering from reflux (and as a result the quality of your life is suffering) go get some losec! that stuff is amazing. Also, try not to take too much stock in what people who don't know the situation say your baby should be eating. I was told by our plunket nurse that most 3 month old babies eat betweenn 200-250mls of milk in one feed, and according to the pediatrician it's more like 120ml - 130mls at this age (or 120mls per kilo of body weight).

I feel like it's been a long hard road so far, but that things have now turned a corner -and hopefully they'll continue to improve.

Then maybe we'll contemplate that second child......

Reflux hell

I am hanging out for Monday when we finally get to see the Pediatrician, and HOPEFULLY have a plan put in place so that Viv can begin gaining weight and 'thriving'.

I never thought that we would have a baby that was a 'faliure to thrive' but that's our reality. Vivi's reflux means that she is not able to take in as much food as say, a regular baby with no issues. The food she does take in will often get regurgitated back up again, or sometimes she refuses to feed altogether and I'm lucky if I manage to get any food in her at all.

Of course, this isn't to say that there aren't good days when she eats well and doesn't seem to be in too much pain, but the flipside is that she'll have a day like today when it takes almost an hour and a half just to get her to drink 100mls of food, where she'll start screaming and arching away from me as soon as I place her in my lap to feed her, where she'll finally latch on to the bottle and eat maybe 10mls before pulling away screaming.

What really annoys me is that you really feel like you have to 'explain yourself' to certain health professionals when your baby is not gaining the adequate amount of weight. I felt this way the last time we visited Plunket and many times before this. 'Your baby needs to eat more' is what i have been told in the past, and that is all very well and good (and pretty blardy obvious!) but what do you do when they simply will not eat? syringe it down their throat? I have tried everything known to man to get her to eat and some days I feel as though we're fighting a losing battle.

We have also had to endure comments from the Plunket nurse that our baby is 'looking lean around the abdomen' (and leaner since she was last seen a week ago) and then an explanation that this is a cause for concern and something they check for. Hardly reassuring comments. As if we weren't worried enough already!

I think it has finally sunk in to our Plunket nurse however that it's not a question of us not trying hard enough to feed her, it's that she is a baby with a pretty significant medical issue that is preventing her from eating well and gaining weight.

I like to call it 'reflux hell' because at times it feels as though it's a stage that's never going to end, every feed is a battle ground and it's the most frustrating thing in the world when your baby is hungry and wants to eat but is unable to because they are in pain. Some days I really dread feeding her, and feel so anxious that even if I do manage to get her to eat that it won't be enough. It impacts on your life in that you end up not wanting to go out (or wanting to go out but feeling unable to), because the feeds are such a mission even at home in familiar surroundings.

Roll on Monday and the specialist! I just hope I can hang on until then.

More Vivi

so yesterday's post wasn't the most optimistic or went anywhere near expressing the joy Tim and I both feel at having a daughter. One thing I have learnt over the last few months is that living with a young baby is like standing at the roulette table and seeing your fortunes change with a quick spin -what can seem like a hopeless and depressing situation can quickly change to one that is full of happiness and endless possibility. Babies teach you to really 'live life in the present moment' as so much of what you feel is based on their mood and how they are on the day.

Today has been 'interesting' (to say the least). I almost lost it a few times as Viv has been refusing to feed altogether at times (she seems to have developed an aversion to the bottle, which I can only assume is due to her associating feeding with being in pain). Anyway, after a day spent in what felt like the depths of hades, things seemed to have turned around in the most amazing way. An hour after her first dose of Losec (which Tim purchased from the pharmacy today) she ate a whopping 140mls! no bottle refusal, no arching of the back or screaming. I felt like crying with relief. It could just be a once off but I'm hoping that this could be the answer we've been searching for.

4 months down the track.....

So much has happened in the past 14 weeks I really don't know where to begin.

I guess I should start with the obvious. I had a baby. Her name is Vivienne.

This post which should be filled with feelings of joy at the thought of having a daughter, is sadly going to reflect my current mood, which is frustration and anxiety.

From the very beginning we have had feeding problems with Vivi. It started with her never latching on to me. Our midwife (and others) spent two hours trying to force her on me after her birth, unsuccessfully I might add, then came the weeks of breast feeding plans, visits from the lactaion consultant and me hooked up to the expressing machine every 3-4 hours as I could not breast feed her so had to express milk and give it to her via a bottle. Then at around 7 weeks she was diagnosed with reflux after a 'roller coaster weight gain' (as described by our midwife). Following that came the Plunket visits, the dreaded weigh-in's where she never seemed to gain an adequate amount of weight, being told that we weren't feeding her enough (apparently most 3 month old babies drink 200-250mls of milk at a time, as opposed to Vivi's 100mls) and now, to top it all off, she has now started refusing the bottle and to be fed altogether.

Oh, and we have also been referred to a Pediatric specialist as her head is growing too rapidally.

I may sound disillusioned right now, but I am just tired. Tired and worried, and frustrated that things aren't easier, and that I'm not able to enjoy being a Mum as much as I should. I hate to admit it, but there are times where I feel a sense of 'why did this happen to me'? but then I look at our beautiful daughter and remember how much I love her. It's just so damn hard sometimes.

It's been a 'baptism by fire' into the world of parenthood but through all the terrible times and when I feel I can't go on anymore, I only need to look at our daughter's beautiful face and marvel at the life that Tim and I have created together. We love you, Vivi.

The end of an era......

And the beginning of something new. This may be the last post I ever write before we become parents. The thought is exciting, although at the same time slightly too big to comprehend. I still have only the vaguest idea about what it means to be a 'parent', but I have the feeling that life will shift dramatically, more than I can begin to imagine.

I've felt really calm and a feeling of tranquility and of peace with the world, recently. This whole pregnancy appears to have been a bit of an emotional roller coaster at times, I have gone through periods of deep depression, anxiety, complete elevation in mood. You name it, I've been there. However, the last couple of weeks have provided with me with a peace of mind that I have only ever experienced rarely, and never for such a prolonged period. I just feel so ..... calm ..... like nothing can phase me. It's quite a new feeling for me, the anxieties of old having been stripped away (for now) leaving me to emerge and live life free of them (for once).

The weather today appeared to reflect my mood. It was one of those beautiful early spring days, when Wellington appears to live up to the 'You can't beat Wellington on a good day' phrase. The day dawned, bright and bold, the air was crisp and fresh with the scent of freesias and tulips from our garden, the world appeared to be wide and full of promise, enticing me to come out and play. I drew the curtains back, feeling endless opportunity wash over me, as though I would live forever and ever. It was beautiful. I made an effort to get outside and go for a walk around the neighbourhood, feeling really present in the moment and full of joy. I strode through the long grass of the nearby reserve, watching the swallows swoop and dance in the sunlight. Life really is incredible.

Life

Are you ever able to fully comprehend someone taking their own life? that's the question that's been lodged in my mind since yesterday morning, when I found out that someone we knew very well had done just that.

I'm trying to understand what would lead someone to feel that there was no way out, that things had reached a stage where the only option open to them was to end it all. That there was no one that could help, nothing that could be done. That there was no small sliver of hope to cling on to.

I just don't understand.

I just feel so upset and sad.

A new year and a new direction

2010.

Hard to believe that another decade has just slipped by.

Does anyone here believe in new years resolutions? not me.

I decided to write in this blog again mainly after speaking to James and Katherine. I had felt pretty uninspired to write in here as I thought that no one was reading it, so why continue? I was surprised to hear them ask about it, as i thought it had been forgotten. So here we are, and I'm writing, with absolutely no direction and no knowledge of what to write about so.....

I'm going to start from the beginning. Or perhaps from the end and work my way backwards?

I will be turning 30 in a couple of months time (less than that actually - in all of 40ish days). As I feel myself approaching this momentous birthday, I feel myself becoming more of an 'adult' as if closing the door on the 'noughties' is like laying the past behind me. I like the idea of closing the door on an era, and looking with excitement towards the next one. When I am in the right mindframe the world seems simply alive with possibilities. I feel as though this upcoming decade will hold a new direction for me (well, at least i hope so). Perhaps part of getting older is realising that your time on earth is finite - and that you have to make the most of the here and now. That you have to take a few risks in order to fulfill your dreams. I guess all of us are bound by limits of one kind or another (those that you place on yourself, in particular). For instance, I find it really hard to believe that people like me or want to be my friend. I think we've you've been burnt so many times it makes you cautious. I'm trying to move away from that mindset and take a risk or two, because I enjoy the company of others and I don't want to be alone. I really enjoyed my time down in Christchurch recently (despite the family dramas that were going on at the time) because I was always surrounded by others. And by people who cared about me and who knew me. It was so nice just to always have someone around to talk to. I can't wait to have a family of my own.

So on that note I should probably get off my computer and do something constructive.

One more thing - I need help with writing this blog and any inspiration you guys can give me in terms of what to write about I would be most grateful! I need a writing challenge. So topics, ideas, questions, anything - let me know!