4 months down the track.....

So much has happened in the past 14 weeks I really don't know where to begin.

I guess I should start with the obvious. I had a baby. Her name is Vivienne.

This post which should be filled with feelings of joy at the thought of having a daughter, is sadly going to reflect my current mood, which is frustration and anxiety.

From the very beginning we have had feeding problems with Vivi. It started with her never latching on to me. Our midwife (and others) spent two hours trying to force her on me after her birth, unsuccessfully I might add, then came the weeks of breast feeding plans, visits from the lactaion consultant and me hooked up to the expressing machine every 3-4 hours as I could not breast feed her so had to express milk and give it to her via a bottle. Then at around 7 weeks she was diagnosed with reflux after a 'roller coaster weight gain' (as described by our midwife). Following that came the Plunket visits, the dreaded weigh-in's where she never seemed to gain an adequate amount of weight, being told that we weren't feeding her enough (apparently most 3 month old babies drink 200-250mls of milk at a time, as opposed to Vivi's 100mls) and now, to top it all off, she has now started refusing the bottle and to be fed altogether.

Oh, and we have also been referred to a Pediatric specialist as her head is growing too rapidally.

I may sound disillusioned right now, but I am just tired. Tired and worried, and frustrated that things aren't easier, and that I'm not able to enjoy being a Mum as much as I should. I hate to admit it, but there are times where I feel a sense of 'why did this happen to me'? but then I look at our beautiful daughter and remember how much I love her. It's just so damn hard sometimes.

It's been a 'baptism by fire' into the world of parenthood but through all the terrible times and when I feel I can't go on anymore, I only need to look at our daughter's beautiful face and marvel at the life that Tim and I have created together. We love you, Vivi.