Life

Are you ever able to fully comprehend someone taking their own life? that's the question that's been lodged in my mind since yesterday morning, when I found out that someone we knew very well had done just that.

I'm trying to understand what would lead someone to feel that there was no way out, that things had reached a stage where the only option open to them was to end it all. That there was no one that could help, nothing that could be done. That there was no small sliver of hope to cling on to.

I just don't understand.

I just feel so upset and sad.

A new year and a new direction

2010.

Hard to believe that another decade has just slipped by.

Does anyone here believe in new years resolutions? not me.

I decided to write in this blog again mainly after speaking to James and Katherine. I had felt pretty uninspired to write in here as I thought that no one was reading it, so why continue? I was surprised to hear them ask about it, as i thought it had been forgotten. So here we are, and I'm writing, with absolutely no direction and no knowledge of what to write about so.....

I'm going to start from the beginning. Or perhaps from the end and work my way backwards?

I will be turning 30 in a couple of months time (less than that actually - in all of 40ish days). As I feel myself approaching this momentous birthday, I feel myself becoming more of an 'adult' as if closing the door on the 'noughties' is like laying the past behind me. I like the idea of closing the door on an era, and looking with excitement towards the next one. When I am in the right mindframe the world seems simply alive with possibilities. I feel as though this upcoming decade will hold a new direction for me (well, at least i hope so). Perhaps part of getting older is realising that your time on earth is finite - and that you have to make the most of the here and now. That you have to take a few risks in order to fulfill your dreams. I guess all of us are bound by limits of one kind or another (those that you place on yourself, in particular). For instance, I find it really hard to believe that people like me or want to be my friend. I think we've you've been burnt so many times it makes you cautious. I'm trying to move away from that mindset and take a risk or two, because I enjoy the company of others and I don't want to be alone. I really enjoyed my time down in Christchurch recently (despite the family dramas that were going on at the time) because I was always surrounded by others. And by people who cared about me and who knew me. It was so nice just to always have someone around to talk to. I can't wait to have a family of my own.

So on that note I should probably get off my computer and do something constructive.

One more thing - I need help with writing this blog and any inspiration you guys can give me in terms of what to write about I would be most grateful! I need a writing challenge. So topics, ideas, questions, anything - let me know!

Curry night!

Those of you who linger on facebook occasionally, may know that we have started a new Sunday night tradition - curry night! It all began last Saturday when we in Petone checking out the spice shops ('Nice & Spice' is particularly good). While browsing around, as you do, we came across a shop selling cookbooks. Lots of cookbooks. Our eyes fell upon the 'Asian' section, having recently been to Asia and being the aromatic food lovers that we are..... Tim noticed one book in particular, Madhur Jaffrey's 'Curry Bible'.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Madhur-Jaffreys-Ultimate-Curry-Bible/dp/0091874157

We browsed through, noting that within it's highly decorative pages it held recipes for curry's from all over the world. We were way too tempted. Needless to say, we left the store just a little poorer than when we went in :)

As we walked back to the car, I couldn't help but think about all the other cookbooks that sit on our shelf, get used once, and then proceed to gather dust..... so I suggested that we have a weekly 'curry night' and gradually work our way through the cookbook until we had cooked everything (ok, so I have to give some credit for that idea to the movie 'Julie and Julia', hehe). Anyway, it seemed like a good enough idea, and we quickly decided on a curry to make the next night 'Hyderabadi Fish with a sesame sauce'. That curry was a rip roaring success, and it paved the way to this weekend and 'Royal Chicken Korma' (Shani Murgh Korma).

So we are now sitting in our living room waiting for our dinner guests to arrive, the subtle aromas of saffron, coriander, and cinnamon wafting through the air. Life is good.

Frustration

I am feeling a little frustrated right now, and with one person in particular......

I don't usually take out my feelings regarding other people on blogs - I find it way too depressing and bitchy, but I've just had enough and need an outlet other than moaning to Tim about it (sorry Tim!). Desperate times call for desperate measures!

Anyway, I found out last Tuesday that one of my friends (lets just call her 'X' for privacy's sake) was ill. I called her up when I recieved her text and asked her if there was anything she wanted us to bring her, as she doesn't have a car and as she said she had not left the house since Sunday. She asked for some tissues and ice-cream as she had a cold (which she thought could be swine flu) and she wanted the ice-cream as it would be 'soothing' for her throat. So on the way to the gym I stopped in and dropped off ice-cream, and tissues, and told her to get in touch if there was anything else we could do, and offered to have her over at our place to stay the night so we could look after her. A said that she would be ok. I said that I would come over and see her on Wednesday night, as Wednesday night is the night that we usually hang out. I thought it might be a good idea to take her to the local health centre and get her enrolled in there so she could access the doctor (since the only medical centre she belongs to is one in town).

On Wednesday afternoon I felt myself start to get ill -runny nose, sore throat, a little fevery. I contacted X and asked her if she still wanted me to take her to the doctor, which she promptly replied 'I don't belong to the ...... medical centre, and all I need is Tamiflu'. She asked me if I could go to the pharmacy and get her some Tamiflu. I went across to the pharmacy in the hospital to enquire about Tamiflu - I was highly doubtful that they would sell it to me anyway, and I must have sounded pretty dodgy asking for it 'for a friend' (that old line!) I was told at the pharmacy that Tamiflu is only effective if you take it in the first 48 hours after becoming ill - and that if you buy it over the counter it is $80. It seemed pointless at that point to even try to buy it given that X had been ill since Sunday night and it was now Wednesday. 'She'll just have to ride it out' was the pharmacists helpful advice. I got in touch with X and told her the news and asked her if she wanted me to take her to the pharmacy. She said that she didn't think it would help so I said that I would just go home then, as I wasn't feeling too good myself.

The next day (Thursday) I stayed at home and tried to relax. I was in touch with X who reported that she was feeling 'mildly better'. That relieved me somewhat, as I had been worried about her.

The following day I was also off sick, after being sent home from work by my boss. I decided to give X a call and see how she was - I had sent her a message asking her if she wanted to come to the fruit and vege market with us on Saturday to which she replied 'I'm very sick. I haven't been out of the house all week.' I called her up and she basically laid into me for 'not coming to see her on Wednesday night like I said I would', as apparently I had said that I would take her to the doctors. This confused me to begin with because she had said she didn't want to go to the local doctors as she was not a member there. She said she was 'really disappointed in me'. I found this frankly quite bizarre, and pointed out to her that she hadn't said anything about wanting to go to the doctors and that I had been coming down with a cold that afternoon and so had just headed home when she had said she didn't want to go the local doctors or to the pharmacy.

She then went on to say that she had had trouble breathing the night before, and had considered going to the A and E. When I asked her how she had planned to get there, she said 'by taxi' - which is pretty outrageous given that we had said to contact us if there was anything she needed. It seemed bizarre that someone who is so strapped for cash would rather take a taxi to the A and E then get in touch with her so-called close friends and ask them to take her (when we had offered to help out any way we could). 'Do you want me to take you now?' I asked her, to which she replied no. There was a big uncomfortable silence on the phone and I asked her if there was anything else she needed, ie, in the way of groceries etc as she hadn't been able to get out of the house and she promptly responded that her ex boyfriend from Auckland had ordered her some through Woolworths and then said 'Thank god for J, he's been a life saver'. We descended once more into an uncomfortable silence and then she said 'See you later' and hung up.

So I don't know if it's just me, but I think that's a pretty shit way to treat someone - I had offered to take her to the doctors, the pharmacy, to stay at our place, had asked her if there was anything she needed. And why on earth would you consider taking a taxi to the A and E when friends have willingly offered to help you out? To be honest, I just find it a bit insulting. It makes me wonder why I even bother.

I'll probably come back and delete this bitchy post at some stage, but I just needed to get it off my chest -any advice would be appreciated! I mean, perhaps there is something more I should have done? I don't know..... I'm pretty sure I did all I could given the information she passed over to me at the time. Goddamn you X!!!! why do you have to make it so hard for yourself?

Is it just me or do people who expect to be let down and disappointed in others go out of their way to make sure that they are disappointed and let down, by pushing people away and making them so frustrated in them that they just give up? because it sure seems like that to me right now.

Cogito ergo sum

I really don't know how to begin this blog post, so I'll just plunge right on in. I'm feeling a whole raft of emotions right now, including extreme tiredness, due to a bout of insomnia last night. I haven't been sleeping well at all lately, and it's starting to take it's toll as I'm going to bed expecting not to be able to sleep well and therefore, what do you know, I end up in one of those self fulfilling prophecy type situations where my fear becomes my reality. Ever since I was about 17 I've had varying degrees of insomnia for both short and long periods of time. I know that it is mainly caused by anxiety and depression - and that it tends to strike when I am going through periods of stress in my life. Of course, this is no great revelation in itself, merely a problem that I am trying to get to the bottom of. Why am I stressed? what do I have in my life that is causing me stress? why do I feel so anxious all the time?

On the home front things are good - Tim is fantastic and very supportive. I think it has more to do with work and with other situations that I feel are out of my control.

Work. Work, work, work. I have such mixed feelings about work. Lately I've begun to feel very weary of work. I'm finding it to be one of those jobs that you simply cannot stop thinking about. I feel as though it is always with me wherever I go, or whatever I happen to be doing. For instance, I find myself engaging in some form of pleasurable activity, and suddenly I'll realise that for the past five minutes I haven't been present in what I'm doing at all, but trapped in my head thinking about the next day at work, or something someone said or did that day. It's always there, lurking in the back of my mind. I wish I knew better strategies for simply being able to forget about it, and I wish that I was able to sleep easier. Insomnia is the dark country that I feel I know all too well. It is a landscape that I navigate alone.

The other night when I couldn't sleep I got up and stood in front of the window, gazing out at the stars, bathed in the dim glow of the full moon. I felt so alone, as though I was the only person awake (or even existing) in that point of time. I reached my hand out, tracing my fingertips down the glass, feeling the darkness being kept at bay. It was as though the glass were a barrier separating me from the rest of the world. I cannot exist within it, I can only watch and yearn for it, just as I yearn to move past this and stop living in my head and start living.

What a home-maker!

I am now officially on one of my tri-annual two week holidays. Starting today, I have almost two weeks completely at my disposal, and boy does it feel fantastic!

I don't want to brag, but I really really enjoy having all this time to myself. I used to feel slightly guilty about it and I guess this is because of the reaction I get from most people when they hear about how many weeks of hoildays teachers get. I used to feel as though I had to justify my 'non-contact time'. Now, however, I just kick back and enjoy it.

And how does one enjoy twelve weeks of holiday? I hear you ask.

My time is taken up by all sorts of things. Often, I'll use the holidays as a chance to visit my whanau in Christchurch. This is a regular thing for me, and I usually visit them three or four times a year, usually for five days at a time (don't ask me why, but this has worked out to be the perfect amount of time - Mum and Dad are just getting to the point where they're sick of me and I take off.) Sometimes, my holidays are used to catch up with old friends I haven't had a chance to see throughout the busy term. There really is nothing better than having the morning to sit in a cafe and share gossip over coffee. Uusally, there are a few odd jobs to do around the house and garden - or I create jobs for myself, such as this morning when I decided to make Quince Jelly or decide to redecorate my office - now that's going to be a big job!

The rest of the time is 'me' time. I use this time effectively to refresh my mind and get all that stuff out of the way that I haven't had time for during the term. Reading, playing Piano, writing, completing mosaics and ugly dolls, watching chick flicks while lying in bed with a steaming hot cup of tea, listening to audio books, just generally enjoying time alone.

I think I may have discovered the perfect work/life balance for me, and I love it.

March - missing in action!

Seldom do I seem to find the time to post on this blog these days, but after reading Katherine's eloquent post, I figured I'd make the effort.

I'm sitting here pondering the upcoming weeks - next Thursday marks my last day of work for the term. This term has been interesting - not many kids, but some positive stuff has happened. We have helped one get back into school after having missed most of the term, classes have generally gone well, and more and more I feel as though I'm coming to grips with the curriculum material. Some things that have 'shocked' me (for lack of a better word) was seeing the rapid mental decline of one of my students, and working with a tiny 11 year old girl with a severe eating disorder who has to be fed through a nasal gastric tube. I found it really difficult to work with this particular child - not because of her behaviour, but because of the realisation that she may never recover.

But all in all, I feel as though it has been a relatively successful term (if you can call it that.) I'm feeling so much more confident in what I do, and in my own abilities. Sometimes I leave work thinking 'I love my job' which is something I never thought I'd ever experience. All positive things.