An update

So it's been about two months since I last posted an entry in this blog. Crazy how time flies!

Anyway, I'm just nearing the end of my school holidays. *sigh* the dream is almost over. It's been a good break away though. Since going on holiday, I've managed to seriously tackle the garden, not to mention visit the rellies in Christchurch. I had to go into work today, which was a bit of a shock to the system, but I only had to stay for a few hours (thank god!). I guess I'm just slowly easing myself back into it. I came down with a cold yesterday, too, so I'm feeling a little under the weather.

Another good thing is that I've finally sorted out my 'faith' dilemma, and I can now say that I am a proud atheist. So part of that for me will be living more in the here and now, and enjoying life for what it is - because all we have is our time here.

I think a big problem I had with other religions was the concept of punishment for wrong-doing - the idea of burning in hell for all eternity is one I find hard to stomach. Personally, I have never believed that such a place could exist - and I consider it a bit of a 'scare tactic'.

I'm happy to be living in the here and now, and as for the concept of eternal life, I don't think the universe owes it to me. All we have is this life, and that is enough for me.

Takedown

I look up briefly, the sweat pouring down my face. They are coming towards me now - the three of them - Neil leading in the front, Jermaine and Gina behind him, one hand on either side of Neil's back. They are edging forward slowly, cautiously. I can see Neil whispering a command to Jermaine. I struggle to hear what he is saying.

My feet remain rooted to the floor, and I can feel my heart pounding. I know that it's only a matter of time before they're upon me. There is no escape. My eyes dart up, towards the far corner of the room, I am thinking constantly, checking the room for any escape avenues.

I am surprised to see Neil leading the team, as he is the slimmest and least strong of the trio. Jermaine stands to his right, tall, solidly built - the kind of guy that looks as though he could pick you up and snap you in two. Gina stands to his left, behind Neil. She does not look very big, in fact, she is only around my size, but the wiry muscles in her arm are a testament to her stregnth. Besides, she has dealt with a lot of people like me, and has confidence on her side.

Neil begins talking to me, his manchester accent foreign to my ears. He is attempting to descalate my behaviour. I know they don't really want to restrain me unless they absolutely have to.

'You look a little agitated there, Fiona. Is everything alright?'

'No it's not fucking alright!' I snap back, my voice quivering. I feel tears spring to my eyes.

'Come on, let's sit down, talk about it.' he gestures to the row of chairs on the side of the room. 'Shall we have a seat together, then?'

'I don't want a fucking seat! I want you to get the fuck away from me!'

'Are you sure? I think it'd be much better for everyone if you did.'

'Get away from me.' I say, my teeth clenched. I feel ready to fight. 'I'm warning you.'

He stops talking, and inches gradually closer. I know what is coming next and I feel prepared for it. I start running.

Neil reacts first. 'Go!' I hear him yell.

I make to run past them, but they are too quick for me. Neil moves in front of me, and I feel Neil's hands - one on my shoulder, his knuckles against my collarbone. Jermaine and Gina simultaneously grab my arms, rotating them up and around, and forcing me down to my knees. They have my arms in a tight grip - Gina is applying flection to my left wrist and it really really hurts. I cry out in pain but they ignore me, intent on pushing me further towards the ground. I resist, and feel my arms being pulled further back. I am shoved down to my knees.

'Watch it!' I hear Neil yell out, and then 'alright, take her down!'

They come crashing down on either side of me, pulling me down with the weight of their body. Neil's elbows are locked around my face, I can barely hear what is going on. I land with a thump on the cold, hard linoleum floor, feeling my elbows take most of the blow. I wince in pain. Jermaine crashes down on my back, and I can feel his elbow digging into my spine. Gina is still applying too much flection, causing my wrist to bend forward at an unnatural angle.

'Change your locks!' commands Neil. 'Number two, change locks.' Jermaine twists my arm into a triangular shape on the floor, beside me. I can feel him leaning down, securing my arm in place. After a similar command, Gina does the same.

'You're hurting me!' I try to cry out, although my mouth is hard up against the floor, and this muffles my voice somewhat.

'If you would just stay still,' she hisses, as she presses my hand further towards my palm 'there would be no need for any of this. So stop moving and do what you're told.'

'Change locks, number two.' Neil says. 'and place her hands behind her back.'

Jermaine brings my arm out straight, then bends it at the elbow, so my wrist is facing upwards on my back. He doesn't ease the tension he's placed on it, and he kneels in close to me, facing the door, ready to run when given the all clear. Gina then does the same, arm out straight, hand up against my back. This position is extremely painful for me, yet they don't ease up. I guess they don't want to run the risk of me getting away again.

Neil moves in closer, bending himself over my body, and takes my hands in his. 'Number two, check the room' he commands. His hands feel sweaty on mine, and I realise that perhaps this has taken a lot out of him, too.

Jermaine lets go, and moves away. I hear him as he quickly checks the room - removing anything that might be considered dangerous, before moving to the door.

'Clear.' I hear him call out.

'Number three, go!' Neil orders, and suddenly their hold on me is loosened. The tension drains away as my arms fall limply to my sides, I lay still, my energy completely sapped, as I hear the nurses close the door and lock it behind them.

Pictures from July

Brighton Pier: Christchurch
I grew up in South Brighton, A suburb in Christchurch. This is the first time I've been back there in years.


My siblings.... I miss them.

My home-town.
My name, immortalised in stone outside of the Brighton Pier. My sister's name is above mine.

More words...

The day has dawned, bright and beautiful. The sun penetrating through the cold air, and I watch as mist rises up off the ground, as the trees begin to steam in the hot sun. It is such a beautiful day, and it's put me in a rather contemplative mood. I have been thinking about some stuff that has been on my mind recently - especially in terms of friendships. I realise now that the initial anger I felt has passed, that only a tiny fraction of hurt remains. I don't want to keep dwelling in the past, but I want to move on with things, and make things better. I don't know if I can make things 'right' but I can try. It's important to take what you can from situations like this - to learn from them, to grow in the right places. It's much more awesome to have friends than to not have them, and I've learnt that in order to keep friendships going and to honour the other person, that it is best to be honest whenever possible.
I'm not saying that this is easy, because it isn't. It's one of the hardest things to do sometimes, and it's something that I struggle with a lot of the time. However, I'm going to make an effort.
I feel full of hope at the moment...... but I'd still like you to wish me luck all the same.

I (don't) want to be friends.

'I don't feel like I know you, but you know me. I'm getting tired trying to figure out your reasons for why you do things and who you are.' (from one 'friend' to another).

I just wanted to say......

I can't do this any more.
I can't keep pretending,
I can't lie to myself any longer.

You say you wanted to know the real me.
This is the real me.
The real me has been right in front of you, from the beginning.

The more you try to deny it,
The more real I become to you,
And you don't like what you see.

But this is the real me.

I don't think I can help you any longer.
You've drained me,
Taken from me.
All you do is take.

You never think to give,
Or to consider how I might be feeling.
This makes me want to spend less and less time with you.

You don't seem to understand,
That you're not the only one who has problems.
Who wants to talk about stuff,
Who sometimes needs a shoulder to lean on.

No, all you have done is taken from me.

I can't keep this up,
And I don't know how to tell you.

This should be fun!

This is my Friday night - attending a Gothic Masquerade ball - in Palmerston North!

As you can see, 'The Moon Whispers' will be playing - apparently they're on at 10:30pm - which translates roughly to around midnight! haha, so it's going to be a late one.

If any of you feels like a drive up the coast, it could be a fun night.......

A new Tattoo!

Here it is - my newest Tattoo:

I had it done in Christchurch on Monday - funnily enough, almost exactly seven years after I got my first Tattoo (another Swallow, which is on my left shoulder). So that brings my Tattoo total to three - well on my way to being one of those Tattooed ladies. Who knows, perhaps I could carve out a new career for myself - I could join the circus and be on display! haha, pipe dreams!

Anyway, I decided to get a Swallow for quite a number of reasons. I've always admired them in flight - the way they gracefully swoop and dive, and they appear quite a bit in folklore. Apparently, they can represent the fact that you've been on a journey and have come home once again, I like the idea of that - of eventually coming back 'home', no matter how far away you might travel.

It always interests me to find out how people perceive Tattoos. For example, my Mum absolutely hates them, and refused to look at my new Tattoo when I offered to show her. My Grandad on the other hand, surprised me. He told me that the most important thing was that I liked it, although he did joke that I could have paid $2 and brought a 'Transfer' rather than paid $150 for a Tattoo!

I see Tattoos as being something that is highly personal to the person that gets them. To me they represent a symbol of a time in your life. You can look at them and remember what you were going through at that time - they are with you forever and although this might scare some people, I don't regret getting any of mine done.

So I'll be interested to hear your thoughts on Tattoos - if you like them, dislike them, are indifferent to them - and why.

By the way, contrary to popular belief I did not get 'I love Tim' or 'Property of T. Wright' tattooed onto my arse. Although it was tempting..... maybe next time!