INSOMNIA

For the third night in a row now, I have been unable to get back to sleep after getting up to feed Vivi.

INSOMNIA, the inability to sleep. You lay awake in bed, knowing that time is ticking by, that you are going to be EXHAUSTED the next day, yet you are unable to drop off to sleep. Everyone around you is sleeping peacefully, yet sleep eludes you.

I haven't been able to sleep properly for some time now, and I find myself wondering how long this is going to continue? I seem to have fallen into this pattern of waking at around 2:30 - 3am, getting up and giving Vivi her food, and then finding myself laying awake until morning. It is incredibly frustrating and tiring. Trust me, being awake from 3am until 10pm each day is no picnic.

Tonight (well, this morning really , as it's 4am) I decided to bite the bullet and just get up. It's a better alternative then laying in bed watching the minutes tick by and getting more and more frustrated over my inability to sleep.

For a long time after Vivi was born I slept really well - I would get up to feed her, and then drop straight off again. As a result, I found I felt relatively normal during the day and could function.

Being a parent is gruelling. There is no doubt about it. In fact, being a Mother is gruelling. You have to learn to accept that your needs no longer come first. You go to bed at night with the knowledge that you will be up again in four hours time, no matter how tired you are. The needs of your baby come first. The reality of parenthood.

It's easy to be idealistic about being a parent before you are one. There is no way to comprehend how much your life is going to change. There is no way to fully understand the reality of having little person in your life who is completely dependent on you to meet their needs. Being a parent involves stripping away all the layers of selfishness that you have built up over the years and becoming completely selfless.

Becoming a parent is one of the most amazing, wonderful, and rewarding experiences you could ever imagine, but it is also mind booglingly frustrating, tiring, and completely gruelling.

I'm just looking at the time. It's 4:20am and I will have to be up in two and half hours time. You start to wonder if it's even worth going back to bed? a whole day stretches out before me and I don't know if I have the energy to participate in it. Yet what's the alternative? it's not like anyone else can look after Vivi for me. That's what I mean when I say you have to accept that your old life is over. You have to learn to be selfless. I mean, there really is no choice in the matter. What else can you do?