INSOMNIA

For the third night in a row now, I have been unable to get back to sleep after getting up to feed Vivi.

INSOMNIA, the inability to sleep. You lay awake in bed, knowing that time is ticking by, that you are going to be EXHAUSTED the next day, yet you are unable to drop off to sleep. Everyone around you is sleeping peacefully, yet sleep eludes you.

I haven't been able to sleep properly for some time now, and I find myself wondering how long this is going to continue? I seem to have fallen into this pattern of waking at around 2:30 - 3am, getting up and giving Vivi her food, and then finding myself laying awake until morning. It is incredibly frustrating and tiring. Trust me, being awake from 3am until 10pm each day is no picnic.

Tonight (well, this morning really , as it's 4am) I decided to bite the bullet and just get up. It's a better alternative then laying in bed watching the minutes tick by and getting more and more frustrated over my inability to sleep.

For a long time after Vivi was born I slept really well - I would get up to feed her, and then drop straight off again. As a result, I found I felt relatively normal during the day and could function.

Being a parent is gruelling. There is no doubt about it. In fact, being a Mother is gruelling. You have to learn to accept that your needs no longer come first. You go to bed at night with the knowledge that you will be up again in four hours time, no matter how tired you are. The needs of your baby come first. The reality of parenthood.

It's easy to be idealistic about being a parent before you are one. There is no way to comprehend how much your life is going to change. There is no way to fully understand the reality of having little person in your life who is completely dependent on you to meet their needs. Being a parent involves stripping away all the layers of selfishness that you have built up over the years and becoming completely selfless.

Becoming a parent is one of the most amazing, wonderful, and rewarding experiences you could ever imagine, but it is also mind booglingly frustrating, tiring, and completely gruelling.

I'm just looking at the time. It's 4:20am and I will have to be up in two and half hours time. You start to wonder if it's even worth going back to bed? a whole day stretches out before me and I don't know if I have the energy to participate in it. Yet what's the alternative? it's not like anyone else can look after Vivi for me. That's what I mean when I say you have to accept that your old life is over. You have to learn to be selfless. I mean, there really is no choice in the matter. What else can you do?

Breast is not always best for Mums?

http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/wellbeing/4680702/Breast-not-always-best-for-mums

Ok, so we all know that breast feeding is best for your baby, and gives her the best start in life, but what about those people who struggle to breast feed and never manage to successfully feed their baby this way? I found the above article an interesting read for many reasons, especially as it touched on the psychological implications of being unable to breast feed.

Why did I find this interesting? because I have never managed to successfully breast feed Vivienne.

Before we had her, I assumed that breast feeding would be something that would not neccessarily be easy, but that if I persevered hard enough, I could make it happen. However, nothing could prepare me for just how difficult it would be.

Breast feeding is definitely a learnt skill - and a big part of it is probably due to your level of exposure to it. We covered a bit of it in our ante-natal group sessions - how to latch your baby, some common problems that could occur, etc etc. Our midwife was also helpful in providing information about latching. I went into it with all the theoretical knowledge I had learnt, only to find that the reality was somewhat differnet.

Vivienne wouldn't latch onto me!

Basically, as soon as she was born, our midwife tried to establish a latch. Picture this - a Mother who has just given birth (without any interventions I might add). I was sore, overwhelmed, exhausted. Vivienne, newly arrived into the world was screaming her lungs out as our midwife tried to get her to latch onto me again and again and again. Other nurses were called in to the delivery room when she would not latch, various techniques were employed, still without success. Two hours later(!) defeat was conceeded.

Vivi spent the rest of that day strapped to me 'skin to skin' in an effort to help with the breast feeding. That night I had to sign a consent form so the nurses could give her formula, as she hadn't eaten anything.

The next few days in hospital were spent, once again, trying to get breast feeding established. I became used to nurses coming and going, hand expressing colostrum (which by the way, really hurts!) which we fed to Vivi through a tube and syringe. We saw a lactation consultant at the hosptial who put a plan in place for us for when we got home. I never once questioned that we would be able to get breast feeding established eventually, and in my mind their seemed no other option, after all 'breast is best' and we wouldn't want to be feeding her any nasty formula if we could help it!

So home we went, positive that we would be able to establish breast feeding if we persevered long enough.

What followed was weeks of plans being put in place by our midwife and lactation consultant. I was continually told to 'persevere, we will get there!' and as a new Mum I just assumed that eventually it would happen. I was determined to do it, and it had been so drilled into me that for me, bottle feeding was simply not an option. So for the first six weeks of Vivi's life, we tried time and time again to get her to latch. We used every means known to man - I recall one plan we had in place was to try for five minutes at the start of every feed to get her to latch on, even forcing her on to me. So this meant five minutes of Vivi screaming her head off while we tried to latch her on - and as everyone who has a baby can understand, five minutes of screaming feels like five hours! I got to a point where I began dreading the feeds and the inevitable battle that would arise out of them. Trying to force her onto me felt anything but 'natural' and I was finding it hard to bond with her a result. Also, her weight gains were erratic - and very slow which was worrying. One week she actually lost weight, and some weeks she gained virtually no weight at all.

The crunch came when she was about six weeks old and she started refusing to latch on to me even when I was using a nipple shield (which she had been able to latch on to after a lot of perseverence!). I suddenly realised that it wasn't worth it - that I couldn't go through another six weeks of this - or who knows how long. I conceeded defeat and began expressing milk for her and feeding her with a bottle. I still felt like a faliure, even though she was getting breast milk. Everyone else made it look so easy and I wondered what was wrong with me, and why I couldn't breast feed our daughter.

I expressed milk for Vivienne until she was about 15 weeks old, and started refuisng to drink my breast milk. We had to switch to formula as a result and once again, I felt like I'd failed her somehow.

All of this conincided with Vivi being diagnosed with having Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD) which perhaps explains why she was never able to latch on initially, but I don't know.

However, I do know that since exclusively formula feeding her, I've felt much happier and I have a happier baby who is now gaining weight at a reasonable rate. This whole experience has made mre realise that what is most important, is a healthy baby and if that means a baby who is fed formula, then so be it.

I will say however, that I still feel disappointed in myself that Vivi is not being breast fed, and there is a part of me that always thinks that I could have done more, could have tried harder and done things differently. A lot of this disappointment, I think, stems from the emphasis there is in this country for women to breast feed. For example, at the ante-natal classes, there was not a single bit of information on bottle feeding. The topic was not even remotely touched upon, which lead me to get the impression that it was somehow 'taboo'. I have yet to see a brochure on bottle feeding, on the ins and out of how to sterilise equipment, how much formula to use, what type of formula is best and so on. Tim and I basically had to stumble our way through when it came to feeding Viv formula, and the only information we could find came from other Mums who forumal fed their babies. The fact that breast feeding is so promoted in NZ is fantastic, as I do believe that it is best for baby, but for whatever reason there will always be those of us out there who are unable to breast feed and the pyschological implications of this can be extreme.

I should point out as well that I had an incredibly supportive partner in Tim who stood by me every step of the way - it makes me wonder how other Mum's who are struggling to breast feed fare, if their partners are not so supportive of them.

Friday happenings

Another busy week has drawn to a close - I made a resolution this week to do something every day - be it visit someone, go somewhere interesting, or have someone over. So today it was nice to see some of the ladies from coffee group over - oh, and Lucas of course! wouldn't want to lump him in the lady category :) it's so neat to see all the babies growing up, and strange to think that when we met they were all in our tummies. I want to try to make the most of the time I have with Viv before I go back to work. Sigh.
This would have to be one of the hottest summers I have experienced in Wellington since we moved here - and that is seven years. The first summer I spent here was (from memory) one of the wettest on record. Quite ironic in a way therefore, that the summer we have a young baby in the house it is stinking hot almost every day, and as anyone with a new baby is aware, they do not like the heat, and will let you know loud and clear just how uncomfortable they are! It was quite difficult to get Vivi to settle down today for her sleeps, so I spent the majority of the day out with her in the buggy (ok, slight exaggeration, but when you've got a screaming baby every minute feels like an hour!). We did however, have a very pleasant walk together down the Hutt Valley river trail - a walk that turned into a bit of a blackberrying mission as they are all in season at the moment, and plentiful down the river trail. I picked my fair share (while Vivi slept in the buggy -bliss!) then found some time tonight to make Blackberry Jam. Alas, I think I probably overdid the boiling of the jam and in texture it now seems to resemble a rather thick paste. Hmph! I'm going to go back early next week and pick some more - but will probably freeze them next time around as my jam making skills leave a lot to be desired.....

Viv after her bath

There is something so deliciously adorable about babies straight after they have had their bath :) I really enjoy bath-time with Vivi and it's a lovely way for both of us to wind down after a busy day.
There is something to be said about just how fleeting the time is that you have with your child - in that they do grow up fast and before you know it time has gone by. And as time is passing you are eagerly awaiting the next stage of their development, yet at times I just stand back and really savour the way things are now. I love so many things about this stage - cuddling her before bed, the smiles she gives me when I'm singing to her as I wash her in the bath, the little noises she makes as though she's trying to tell us a story. There are so many moment, so many snapshots in time - too many to list here, but I'm sure anyone who has a child will understand where I'm coming from.
It is now 7:45pm, Viv is asleep upstairs in bed after a nice big feed and I'm enjoying the serentiy of the moment, staring out of the window and watching the rain and waiting for Tim to arrive home. All is well.

Update

It's the beginning of another week, and hopefully the beginning of a new era in the feeding of Vivienne! we saw the pediatrician this morning (which we'd been hanging out for for almost a month!) and she completely reassured us. Yes, we were feeding her enough. Yes, her eating behaviours were most certainly caused by reflux. Could it be managed? yes, with medication. And to top it all off, she was weighed while she was there and she has gained some weight! our little girl now weighs a nice round 5kg :)

All I can say is, if your baby is suffering from reflux (and as a result the quality of your life is suffering) go get some losec! that stuff is amazing. Also, try not to take too much stock in what people who don't know the situation say your baby should be eating. I was told by our plunket nurse that most 3 month old babies eat betweenn 200-250mls of milk in one feed, and according to the pediatrician it's more like 120ml - 130mls at this age (or 120mls per kilo of body weight).

I feel like it's been a long hard road so far, but that things have now turned a corner -and hopefully they'll continue to improve.

Then maybe we'll contemplate that second child......

Reflux hell

I am hanging out for Monday when we finally get to see the Pediatrician, and HOPEFULLY have a plan put in place so that Viv can begin gaining weight and 'thriving'.

I never thought that we would have a baby that was a 'faliure to thrive' but that's our reality. Vivi's reflux means that she is not able to take in as much food as say, a regular baby with no issues. The food she does take in will often get regurgitated back up again, or sometimes she refuses to feed altogether and I'm lucky if I manage to get any food in her at all.

Of course, this isn't to say that there aren't good days when she eats well and doesn't seem to be in too much pain, but the flipside is that she'll have a day like today when it takes almost an hour and a half just to get her to drink 100mls of food, where she'll start screaming and arching away from me as soon as I place her in my lap to feed her, where she'll finally latch on to the bottle and eat maybe 10mls before pulling away screaming.

What really annoys me is that you really feel like you have to 'explain yourself' to certain health professionals when your baby is not gaining the adequate amount of weight. I felt this way the last time we visited Plunket and many times before this. 'Your baby needs to eat more' is what i have been told in the past, and that is all very well and good (and pretty blardy obvious!) but what do you do when they simply will not eat? syringe it down their throat? I have tried everything known to man to get her to eat and some days I feel as though we're fighting a losing battle.

We have also had to endure comments from the Plunket nurse that our baby is 'looking lean around the abdomen' (and leaner since she was last seen a week ago) and then an explanation that this is a cause for concern and something they check for. Hardly reassuring comments. As if we weren't worried enough already!

I think it has finally sunk in to our Plunket nurse however that it's not a question of us not trying hard enough to feed her, it's that she is a baby with a pretty significant medical issue that is preventing her from eating well and gaining weight.

I like to call it 'reflux hell' because at times it feels as though it's a stage that's never going to end, every feed is a battle ground and it's the most frustrating thing in the world when your baby is hungry and wants to eat but is unable to because they are in pain. Some days I really dread feeding her, and feel so anxious that even if I do manage to get her to eat that it won't be enough. It impacts on your life in that you end up not wanting to go out (or wanting to go out but feeling unable to), because the feeds are such a mission even at home in familiar surroundings.

Roll on Monday and the specialist! I just hope I can hang on until then.