More Vivi

so yesterday's post wasn't the most optimistic or went anywhere near expressing the joy Tim and I both feel at having a daughter. One thing I have learnt over the last few months is that living with a young baby is like standing at the roulette table and seeing your fortunes change with a quick spin -what can seem like a hopeless and depressing situation can quickly change to one that is full of happiness and endless possibility. Babies teach you to really 'live life in the present moment' as so much of what you feel is based on their mood and how they are on the day.

Today has been 'interesting' (to say the least). I almost lost it a few times as Viv has been refusing to feed altogether at times (she seems to have developed an aversion to the bottle, which I can only assume is due to her associating feeding with being in pain). Anyway, after a day spent in what felt like the depths of hades, things seemed to have turned around in the most amazing way. An hour after her first dose of Losec (which Tim purchased from the pharmacy today) she ate a whopping 140mls! no bottle refusal, no arching of the back or screaming. I felt like crying with relief. It could just be a once off but I'm hoping that this could be the answer we've been searching for.

4 months down the track.....

So much has happened in the past 14 weeks I really don't know where to begin.

I guess I should start with the obvious. I had a baby. Her name is Vivienne.

This post which should be filled with feelings of joy at the thought of having a daughter, is sadly going to reflect my current mood, which is frustration and anxiety.

From the very beginning we have had feeding problems with Vivi. It started with her never latching on to me. Our midwife (and others) spent two hours trying to force her on me after her birth, unsuccessfully I might add, then came the weeks of breast feeding plans, visits from the lactaion consultant and me hooked up to the expressing machine every 3-4 hours as I could not breast feed her so had to express milk and give it to her via a bottle. Then at around 7 weeks she was diagnosed with reflux after a 'roller coaster weight gain' (as described by our midwife). Following that came the Plunket visits, the dreaded weigh-in's where she never seemed to gain an adequate amount of weight, being told that we weren't feeding her enough (apparently most 3 month old babies drink 200-250mls of milk at a time, as opposed to Vivi's 100mls) and now, to top it all off, she has now started refusing the bottle and to be fed altogether.

Oh, and we have also been referred to a Pediatric specialist as her head is growing too rapidally.

I may sound disillusioned right now, but I am just tired. Tired and worried, and frustrated that things aren't easier, and that I'm not able to enjoy being a Mum as much as I should. I hate to admit it, but there are times where I feel a sense of 'why did this happen to me'? but then I look at our beautiful daughter and remember how much I love her. It's just so damn hard sometimes.

It's been a 'baptism by fire' into the world of parenthood but through all the terrible times and when I feel I can't go on anymore, I only need to look at our daughter's beautiful face and marvel at the life that Tim and I have created together. We love you, Vivi.