Who wants to live forever?

It's a chiche, but do you ever stop to think just how short life really is, and how little time we actually have? I've been thinking about this a lot lately - I don't know about anyone else, but perhaps having kids is a reminder of your own mortality? that time is eventually going to run out, that you are going to grow old and die one day.

I don't mean this post to come across as being morbid in any way, it's just something I've been thinking about recently. I was hoping that when I die, I would have lived a long and full life, and done all the things I'd wanted to do, and not have been held back by fear. As an atheist, I belive that this is it. I don't believe in an afterlife, I don't think there is anything beyond this.

I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of missing out on all the wonderful things that the world has to offer. I would miss spending time with my family - in particular, with Tim and Vivi, with my parents, siblings - I would miss my valuable and inspiring friends. I would miss music, laughter, the breathtaking beauty of a sunrise (now, there's a cliche if ever there was one!), I would miss feeling inspired and that feeling that you get sometimes where you feel as though you're going to live forever and ever and ever. I would miss watching our daughter grow up, and see the awesome person that I know she's going to become.

I am 31 years old now, who knows how much longer I'll have left - I'm hoping it'll be a long time -another lifetime and a bit, but who's to know? I guess the whole point is to make the most of what you have, and if you don't like what you have, then to do what you can to change things and to make life worth living - both for yourself, and for those you love.

Because in the end, it's all about love.

SAHM

It's easy to be idealistic about childcare options and returning to work before you have a child. Here I was, thinking that I would return to work at the end of June, after nine months maternity leave, that we would place Vivi in a daycare centre near the hospital where I worked, that it would all go 'according to plan'. However, as we were to soon learn, not much about having a baby (or a child, for that matter) ever goes 'to plan'.

For instance, we hadn't factored into our grand plan, the fact that our daughter would have severe reflux that would take months to become managable.

Nor did I have any conception of the bond that develops between you and your child, when you spend all day with them. You are thinking about them, every waking moment.

So it didn't come as any surprise to me, when I realised that there was no way I was going to be able to return to work full time as planned. There was no way we were going to be able to put Vivi in daycare, with a bunch of people who were essentially strangers to her. I knew that I would not be able to trust anyone else to look after her.

I feel incredibly lucky that I am able to stay at home to be with Vivi, no matter how much I miss the stimulation of work and the friends I made there - being at home with our daughter (to me) is infinitely more important.

Some people are lucky enough to have parents who live in the same city, who are able to look after their children while they go to work. As one of my friends said to me 'I know that Mum and Dad love her - they really love her and want to look after her. I couldn't have gone back to work knowing that she was just being left with people who were paid to look after her. At least I know they love her in the same way that I do.'

Making the decision not to go back to work (in some respects) was one of the hardest I have ever had to make but I feel that it was the right decison for us as a family.

Being a modern Mum

At coffee group today, the question of returning to work came up. A lot of our babies are older now, and some Mum's are returning to work, or at least planning their return.

I don't know about everyone else, but I was hugely idealistic about returning to the workforce before I had Vivi. I had it all planned out - I would take nine months maternity leave which would be AMPLE time before returning to work and putting Vivi in daycare. Nice and easy. Hell, I'd even been to some daycares near work and had put her name down on the waiting list.

Then I became a Mum, and Tim and I became parents.

We immersed ourselves in the strange, scary, and at times overwhelming world of parenthood for the first couple of months. We watched as our old life was stripped away, and adjusted to inhabiting a world with a little baby. We went through the trials that everyone faces: sleep deprivation, feeding issues - all the anxiety and worry that comes with the territory of being a new parent. Not to mention the relationship adjustments that inevitably have to be made. Suddenly, you don't have oodles of time up your sleeve. You are plunged into a world where EVERYTHING revolves around your baby. Can you chill out and watch a DVD together? only if your baby is asleep. Can you head out for the day to meet up with friends? only if you pack what feels like the entire car, and then make sure you will be in a situation where you will be able to put your baby down to sleep wherever it is that you're going.

Day to day life at the beginning is very much like 'groundhog day'. You gradually fall into a routine of caring for your baby, whatever that might involve. With us it is a simple routine of waking Vivi at 7am, giving her her medication, feeding her, giving her a kick around on her playmat, and then putting her to bed for a nap. In between these times there is the inevitable mountain of laundy and pile of dishes to navigate, emails to check, other random housework that needs to be done, and planning for outings that will take place that day. The days are busy, contrary to what anyone might think - just because you are at home all day does not mean that you're sitting around twiddling your thumbs or finding time for hour long pilates workouts! Being a Mum is a fulltime job in itself.

Then there is the inevitable (for some) return to the workplace.

Firstly, I would just like to point out that I am grateful that I was able to take off nine months. I know plently of other people who have had to go back to work much sooner than that.

What is foremost on my mind at the moment is that of balancing two very different roles: that of being a Mother, and a working woman.

Like of my friends in our coffee group pointed out today 'they just expect you to go back to work and carry on as normal, as though nothing has changed'. That everything will carry on as normal. I would like to know how you are meant to 'carry on as normal' when you are faced with the prospect of not only having to balance work and home life, but work, home life, and the needs of your baby. 'Carrying on as normal' involves you learning how to be everything to everyone, do don many differnet roles throughout the day. Which one are you going to prioritise over the other?

For me, being a Mother will always come first. No question about it.

I really wish I did not have to return to work. I love my job, but I love my daughter and family more. I hate the idea of leaving her in daycare all day long while I spend time elsewhere. I feel so sad when I think of all the hours that I won't be with her. What will I be missing out on? will I be at work when she is learning to crawl, taking her first steps, speaking her first word? I wish that it was possible to take more time off, but I know that it's not going to make going back to work any easier in the long term. It'll still be just as hard.

So a question I have is that why should there be the need (or expectation) for women to go back to work at all? surely being a Mother is a full time job in itself, and should be recognised as being a worthwhile occupation. I feel as though these days women are expected to do it all (and not complain). You're expected to raise a child, be a loving partner, run a household, hold down a job........ I would like to know where is the time for yourself amidst all that? why can't being a Mother be enough, if that's what you want to do?