More Vivi

so yesterday's post wasn't the most optimistic or went anywhere near expressing the joy Tim and I both feel at having a daughter. One thing I have learnt over the last few months is that living with a young baby is like standing at the roulette table and seeing your fortunes change with a quick spin -what can seem like a hopeless and depressing situation can quickly change to one that is full of happiness and endless possibility. Babies teach you to really 'live life in the present moment' as so much of what you feel is based on their mood and how they are on the day.

Today has been 'interesting' (to say the least). I almost lost it a few times as Viv has been refusing to feed altogether at times (she seems to have developed an aversion to the bottle, which I can only assume is due to her associating feeding with being in pain). Anyway, after a day spent in what felt like the depths of hades, things seemed to have turned around in the most amazing way. An hour after her first dose of Losec (which Tim purchased from the pharmacy today) she ate a whopping 140mls! no bottle refusal, no arching of the back or screaming. I felt like crying with relief. It could just be a once off but I'm hoping that this could be the answer we've been searching for.

4 months down the track.....

So much has happened in the past 14 weeks I really don't know where to begin.

I guess I should start with the obvious. I had a baby. Her name is Vivienne.

This post which should be filled with feelings of joy at the thought of having a daughter, is sadly going to reflect my current mood, which is frustration and anxiety.

From the very beginning we have had feeding problems with Vivi. It started with her never latching on to me. Our midwife (and others) spent two hours trying to force her on me after her birth, unsuccessfully I might add, then came the weeks of breast feeding plans, visits from the lactaion consultant and me hooked up to the expressing machine every 3-4 hours as I could not breast feed her so had to express milk and give it to her via a bottle. Then at around 7 weeks she was diagnosed with reflux after a 'roller coaster weight gain' (as described by our midwife). Following that came the Plunket visits, the dreaded weigh-in's where she never seemed to gain an adequate amount of weight, being told that we weren't feeding her enough (apparently most 3 month old babies drink 200-250mls of milk at a time, as opposed to Vivi's 100mls) and now, to top it all off, she has now started refusing the bottle and to be fed altogether.

Oh, and we have also been referred to a Pediatric specialist as her head is growing too rapidally.

I may sound disillusioned right now, but I am just tired. Tired and worried, and frustrated that things aren't easier, and that I'm not able to enjoy being a Mum as much as I should. I hate to admit it, but there are times where I feel a sense of 'why did this happen to me'? but then I look at our beautiful daughter and remember how much I love her. It's just so damn hard sometimes.

It's been a 'baptism by fire' into the world of parenthood but through all the terrible times and when I feel I can't go on anymore, I only need to look at our daughter's beautiful face and marvel at the life that Tim and I have created together. We love you, Vivi.

The end of an era......

And the beginning of something new. This may be the last post I ever write before we become parents. The thought is exciting, although at the same time slightly too big to comprehend. I still have only the vaguest idea about what it means to be a 'parent', but I have the feeling that life will shift dramatically, more than I can begin to imagine.

I've felt really calm and a feeling of tranquility and of peace with the world, recently. This whole pregnancy appears to have been a bit of an emotional roller coaster at times, I have gone through periods of deep depression, anxiety, complete elevation in mood. You name it, I've been there. However, the last couple of weeks have provided with me with a peace of mind that I have only ever experienced rarely, and never for such a prolonged period. I just feel so ..... calm ..... like nothing can phase me. It's quite a new feeling for me, the anxieties of old having been stripped away (for now) leaving me to emerge and live life free of them (for once).

The weather today appeared to reflect my mood. It was one of those beautiful early spring days, when Wellington appears to live up to the 'You can't beat Wellington on a good day' phrase. The day dawned, bright and bold, the air was crisp and fresh with the scent of freesias and tulips from our garden, the world appeared to be wide and full of promise, enticing me to come out and play. I drew the curtains back, feeling endless opportunity wash over me, as though I would live forever and ever. It was beautiful. I made an effort to get outside and go for a walk around the neighbourhood, feeling really present in the moment and full of joy. I strode through the long grass of the nearby reserve, watching the swallows swoop and dance in the sunlight. Life really is incredible.

Life

Are you ever able to fully comprehend someone taking their own life? that's the question that's been lodged in my mind since yesterday morning, when I found out that someone we knew very well had done just that.

I'm trying to understand what would lead someone to feel that there was no way out, that things had reached a stage where the only option open to them was to end it all. That there was no one that could help, nothing that could be done. That there was no small sliver of hope to cling on to.

I just don't understand.

I just feel so upset and sad.

A new year and a new direction

2010.

Hard to believe that another decade has just slipped by.

Does anyone here believe in new years resolutions? not me.

I decided to write in this blog again mainly after speaking to James and Katherine. I had felt pretty uninspired to write in here as I thought that no one was reading it, so why continue? I was surprised to hear them ask about it, as i thought it had been forgotten. So here we are, and I'm writing, with absolutely no direction and no knowledge of what to write about so.....

I'm going to start from the beginning. Or perhaps from the end and work my way backwards?

I will be turning 30 in a couple of months time (less than that actually - in all of 40ish days). As I feel myself approaching this momentous birthday, I feel myself becoming more of an 'adult' as if closing the door on the 'noughties' is like laying the past behind me. I like the idea of closing the door on an era, and looking with excitement towards the next one. When I am in the right mindframe the world seems simply alive with possibilities. I feel as though this upcoming decade will hold a new direction for me (well, at least i hope so). Perhaps part of getting older is realising that your time on earth is finite - and that you have to make the most of the here and now. That you have to take a few risks in order to fulfill your dreams. I guess all of us are bound by limits of one kind or another (those that you place on yourself, in particular). For instance, I find it really hard to believe that people like me or want to be my friend. I think we've you've been burnt so many times it makes you cautious. I'm trying to move away from that mindset and take a risk or two, because I enjoy the company of others and I don't want to be alone. I really enjoyed my time down in Christchurch recently (despite the family dramas that were going on at the time) because I was always surrounded by others. And by people who cared about me and who knew me. It was so nice just to always have someone around to talk to. I can't wait to have a family of my own.

So on that note I should probably get off my computer and do something constructive.

One more thing - I need help with writing this blog and any inspiration you guys can give me in terms of what to write about I would be most grateful! I need a writing challenge. So topics, ideas, questions, anything - let me know!

Curry night!

Those of you who linger on facebook occasionally, may know that we have started a new Sunday night tradition - curry night! It all began last Saturday when we in Petone checking out the spice shops ('Nice & Spice' is particularly good). While browsing around, as you do, we came across a shop selling cookbooks. Lots of cookbooks. Our eyes fell upon the 'Asian' section, having recently been to Asia and being the aromatic food lovers that we are..... Tim noticed one book in particular, Madhur Jaffrey's 'Curry Bible'.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Madhur-Jaffreys-Ultimate-Curry-Bible/dp/0091874157

We browsed through, noting that within it's highly decorative pages it held recipes for curry's from all over the world. We were way too tempted. Needless to say, we left the store just a little poorer than when we went in :)

As we walked back to the car, I couldn't help but think about all the other cookbooks that sit on our shelf, get used once, and then proceed to gather dust..... so I suggested that we have a weekly 'curry night' and gradually work our way through the cookbook until we had cooked everything (ok, so I have to give some credit for that idea to the movie 'Julie and Julia', hehe). Anyway, it seemed like a good enough idea, and we quickly decided on a curry to make the next night 'Hyderabadi Fish with a sesame sauce'. That curry was a rip roaring success, and it paved the way to this weekend and 'Royal Chicken Korma' (Shani Murgh Korma).

So we are now sitting in our living room waiting for our dinner guests to arrive, the subtle aromas of saffron, coriander, and cinnamon wafting through the air. Life is good.

Frustration

I am feeling a little frustrated right now, and with one person in particular......

I don't usually take out my feelings regarding other people on blogs - I find it way too depressing and bitchy, but I've just had enough and need an outlet other than moaning to Tim about it (sorry Tim!). Desperate times call for desperate measures!

Anyway, I found out last Tuesday that one of my friends (lets just call her 'X' for privacy's sake) was ill. I called her up when I recieved her text and asked her if there was anything she wanted us to bring her, as she doesn't have a car and as she said she had not left the house since Sunday. She asked for some tissues and ice-cream as she had a cold (which she thought could be swine flu) and she wanted the ice-cream as it would be 'soothing' for her throat. So on the way to the gym I stopped in and dropped off ice-cream, and tissues, and told her to get in touch if there was anything else we could do, and offered to have her over at our place to stay the night so we could look after her. A said that she would be ok. I said that I would come over and see her on Wednesday night, as Wednesday night is the night that we usually hang out. I thought it might be a good idea to take her to the local health centre and get her enrolled in there so she could access the doctor (since the only medical centre she belongs to is one in town).

On Wednesday afternoon I felt myself start to get ill -runny nose, sore throat, a little fevery. I contacted X and asked her if she still wanted me to take her to the doctor, which she promptly replied 'I don't belong to the ...... medical centre, and all I need is Tamiflu'. She asked me if I could go to the pharmacy and get her some Tamiflu. I went across to the pharmacy in the hospital to enquire about Tamiflu - I was highly doubtful that they would sell it to me anyway, and I must have sounded pretty dodgy asking for it 'for a friend' (that old line!) I was told at the pharmacy that Tamiflu is only effective if you take it in the first 48 hours after becoming ill - and that if you buy it over the counter it is $80. It seemed pointless at that point to even try to buy it given that X had been ill since Sunday night and it was now Wednesday. 'She'll just have to ride it out' was the pharmacists helpful advice. I got in touch with X and told her the news and asked her if she wanted me to take her to the pharmacy. She said that she didn't think it would help so I said that I would just go home then, as I wasn't feeling too good myself.

The next day (Thursday) I stayed at home and tried to relax. I was in touch with X who reported that she was feeling 'mildly better'. That relieved me somewhat, as I had been worried about her.

The following day I was also off sick, after being sent home from work by my boss. I decided to give X a call and see how she was - I had sent her a message asking her if she wanted to come to the fruit and vege market with us on Saturday to which she replied 'I'm very sick. I haven't been out of the house all week.' I called her up and she basically laid into me for 'not coming to see her on Wednesday night like I said I would', as apparently I had said that I would take her to the doctors. This confused me to begin with because she had said she didn't want to go to the local doctors as she was not a member there. She said she was 'really disappointed in me'. I found this frankly quite bizarre, and pointed out to her that she hadn't said anything about wanting to go to the doctors and that I had been coming down with a cold that afternoon and so had just headed home when she had said she didn't want to go the local doctors or to the pharmacy.

She then went on to say that she had had trouble breathing the night before, and had considered going to the A and E. When I asked her how she had planned to get there, she said 'by taxi' - which is pretty outrageous given that we had said to contact us if there was anything she needed. It seemed bizarre that someone who is so strapped for cash would rather take a taxi to the A and E then get in touch with her so-called close friends and ask them to take her (when we had offered to help out any way we could). 'Do you want me to take you now?' I asked her, to which she replied no. There was a big uncomfortable silence on the phone and I asked her if there was anything else she needed, ie, in the way of groceries etc as she hadn't been able to get out of the house and she promptly responded that her ex boyfriend from Auckland had ordered her some through Woolworths and then said 'Thank god for J, he's been a life saver'. We descended once more into an uncomfortable silence and then she said 'See you later' and hung up.

So I don't know if it's just me, but I think that's a pretty shit way to treat someone - I had offered to take her to the doctors, the pharmacy, to stay at our place, had asked her if there was anything she needed. And why on earth would you consider taking a taxi to the A and E when friends have willingly offered to help you out? To be honest, I just find it a bit insulting. It makes me wonder why I even bother.

I'll probably come back and delete this bitchy post at some stage, but I just needed to get it off my chest -any advice would be appreciated! I mean, perhaps there is something more I should have done? I don't know..... I'm pretty sure I did all I could given the information she passed over to me at the time. Goddamn you X!!!! why do you have to make it so hard for yourself?

Is it just me or do people who expect to be let down and disappointed in others go out of their way to make sure that they are disappointed and let down, by pushing people away and making them so frustrated in them that they just give up? because it sure seems like that to me right now.