The day has dawned, bright and beautiful. The sun penetrating through the cold air, and I watch as mist rises up off the ground, as the trees begin to steam in the hot sun. It is such a beautiful day, and it's put me in a rather contemplative mood. I have been thinking about some stuff that has been on my mind recently - especially in terms of friendships. I realise now that the initial anger I felt has passed, that only a tiny fraction of hurt remains. I don't want to keep dwelling in the past, but I want to move on with things, and make things better. I don't know if I can make things 'right' but I can try. It's important to take what you can from situations like this - to learn from them, to grow in the right places. It's much more awesome to have friends than to not have them, and I've learnt that in order to keep friendships going and to honour the other person, that it is best to be honest whenever possible.
I'm not saying that this is easy, because it isn't. It's one of the hardest things to do sometimes, and it's something that I struggle with a lot of the time. However, I'm going to make an effort.
I feel full of hope at the moment...... but I'd still like you to wish me luck all the same.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
I (don't) want to be friends.
'I don't feel like I know you, but you know me. I'm getting tired trying to figure out your reasons for why you do things and who you are.' (from one 'friend' to another).
I just wanted to say......
I can't do this any more.
I can't keep pretending,
I can't lie to myself any longer.
You say you wanted to know the real me.
This is the real me.
The real me has been right in front of you, from the beginning.
The more you try to deny it,
The more real I become to you,
And you don't like what you see.
But this is the real me.
I don't think I can help you any longer.
You've drained me,
Taken from me.
All you do is take.
You never think to give,
Or to consider how I might be feeling.
This makes me want to spend less and less time with you.
You don't seem to understand,
That you're not the only one who has problems.
Who wants to talk about stuff,
Who sometimes needs a shoulder to lean on.
No, all you have done is taken from me.
I can't keep this up,
And I don't know how to tell you.
I just wanted to say......
I can't do this any more.
I can't keep pretending,
I can't lie to myself any longer.
You say you wanted to know the real me.
This is the real me.
The real me has been right in front of you, from the beginning.
The more you try to deny it,
The more real I become to you,
And you don't like what you see.
But this is the real me.
I don't think I can help you any longer.
You've drained me,
Taken from me.
All you do is take.
You never think to give,
Or to consider how I might be feeling.
This makes me want to spend less and less time with you.
You don't seem to understand,
That you're not the only one who has problems.
Who wants to talk about stuff,
Who sometimes needs a shoulder to lean on.
No, all you have done is taken from me.
I can't keep this up,
And I don't know how to tell you.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
This should be fun!
This is my Friday night - attending a Gothic Masquerade ball - in Palmerston North!As you can see, 'The Moon Whispers' will be playing - apparently they're on at 10:30pm - which translates roughly to around midnight! haha, so it's going to be a late one.
If any of you feels like a drive up the coast, it could be a fun night.......
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
A new Tattoo!
Here it is - my newest Tattoo:
I had it done in Christchurch on Monday - funnily enough, almost exactly seven years after I got my first Tattoo (another Swallow, which is on my left shoulder). So that brings my Tattoo total to three - well on my way to being one of those Tattooed ladies. Who knows, perhaps I could carve out a new career for myself - I could join the circus and be on display! haha, pipe dreams!
Anyway, I decided to get a Swallow for quite a number of reasons. I've always admired them in flight - the way they gracefully swoop and dive, and they appear quite a bit in folklore. Apparently, they can represent the fact that you've been on a journey and have come home once again, I like the idea of that - of eventually coming back 'home', no matter how far away you might travel.
It always interests me to find out how people perceive Tattoos. For example, my Mum absolutely hates them, and refused to look at my new Tattoo when I offered to show her. My Grandad on the other hand, surprised me. He told me that the most important thing was that I liked it, although he did joke that I could have paid $2 and brought a 'Transfer' rather than paid $150 for a Tattoo!
I see Tattoos as being something that is highly personal to the person that gets them. To me they represent a symbol of a time in your life. You can look at them and remember what you were going through at that time - they are with you forever and although this might scare some people, I don't regret getting any of mine done.
So I'll be interested to hear your thoughts on Tattoos - if you like them, dislike them, are indifferent to them - and why.
By the way, contrary to popular belief I did not get 'I love Tim' or 'Property of T. Wright' tattooed onto my arse. Although it was tempting..... maybe next time!
I had it done in Christchurch on Monday - funnily enough, almost exactly seven years after I got my first Tattoo (another Swallow, which is on my left shoulder). So that brings my Tattoo total to three - well on my way to being one of those Tattooed ladies. Who knows, perhaps I could carve out a new career for myself - I could join the circus and be on display! haha, pipe dreams!Anyway, I decided to get a Swallow for quite a number of reasons. I've always admired them in flight - the way they gracefully swoop and dive, and they appear quite a bit in folklore. Apparently, they can represent the fact that you've been on a journey and have come home once again, I like the idea of that - of eventually coming back 'home', no matter how far away you might travel.
It always interests me to find out how people perceive Tattoos. For example, my Mum absolutely hates them, and refused to look at my new Tattoo when I offered to show her. My Grandad on the other hand, surprised me. He told me that the most important thing was that I liked it, although he did joke that I could have paid $2 and brought a 'Transfer' rather than paid $150 for a Tattoo!
I see Tattoos as being something that is highly personal to the person that gets them. To me they represent a symbol of a time in your life. You can look at them and remember what you were going through at that time - they are with you forever and although this might scare some people, I don't regret getting any of mine done.
So I'll be interested to hear your thoughts on Tattoos - if you like them, dislike them, are indifferent to them - and why.
By the way, contrary to popular belief I did not get 'I love Tim' or 'Property of T. Wright' tattooed onto my arse. Although it was tempting..... maybe next time!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Bike riding and other things.
A couple of hours ago, I decided to bike to Upper Hutt to return some library books.
It takes about 10-12 minutes to drive there from our house, so I figured it wouldn't take much longer to ride there on my bike.
Well, I survived the bike ride - roughly half an hour to get there, and slightly less on the way back due to an empty bag and a slight tail wind. However, I must have really pushed myself because when I got home (almost collapsing from exhaustion!) I just couldn't get warm. It was the strangest thing. Even now, a couple of hours later and after a long hot shower, I still feel weird and drained. I guess biking full-on for an hour when you're not used to it, is probably not the best thing to do for your body!
Hmmm..... I can see an evening of wining and dining ahead of me - I'm sure that'll make me feel better!
Work has been full-on this week, too. Lots of professional development. I've been learning the basics of cognitive behaviour therapy, which we will be applying in our classroom, and discussing ethics in detail. I've been finding it all incredibly interesting. Next week, we're off to Lower North Youth Justice (bit of a mouthful, isn't it?) to see how things are run out there. I'm looking forward to it. This job is just so varied, with so much to learn. I feel as though I'm merely at the beginning of my 'journey' - for want of a better term.
So, only 12 teaching days to go until Term 2 holidays - I can't wait! In the meantime, we have some fun stuff coming up. I'm looking forward to seeing Tim when he gets back on Friday, and attending Amy's birthday party, and then in the actual holidays, I have my brother and sister staying for about a week - so it'll be great to catch up with them and show them all the cool things Welly has to offer :D Yay!
Well, that's it for tonight. Time to go prepare for the wining and dining.
xx
It takes about 10-12 minutes to drive there from our house, so I figured it wouldn't take much longer to ride there on my bike.
Well, I survived the bike ride - roughly half an hour to get there, and slightly less on the way back due to an empty bag and a slight tail wind. However, I must have really pushed myself because when I got home (almost collapsing from exhaustion!) I just couldn't get warm. It was the strangest thing. Even now, a couple of hours later and after a long hot shower, I still feel weird and drained. I guess biking full-on for an hour when you're not used to it, is probably not the best thing to do for your body!
Hmmm..... I can see an evening of wining and dining ahead of me - I'm sure that'll make me feel better!
Work has been full-on this week, too. Lots of professional development. I've been learning the basics of cognitive behaviour therapy, which we will be applying in our classroom, and discussing ethics in detail. I've been finding it all incredibly interesting. Next week, we're off to Lower North Youth Justice (bit of a mouthful, isn't it?) to see how things are run out there. I'm looking forward to it. This job is just so varied, with so much to learn. I feel as though I'm merely at the beginning of my 'journey' - for want of a better term.
So, only 12 teaching days to go until Term 2 holidays - I can't wait! In the meantime, we have some fun stuff coming up. I'm looking forward to seeing Tim when he gets back on Friday, and attending Amy's birthday party, and then in the actual holidays, I have my brother and sister staying for about a week - so it'll be great to catch up with them and show them all the cool things Welly has to offer :D Yay!
Well, that's it for tonight. Time to go prepare for the wining and dining.
xx
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Sunday ramblings of a personal nature.
I'm missing Tim!
I dropped him off at the airport a few hours ago, and already I'm feeling rather disjointed, and not really knowing what to do with myself. So far, I've got home, put a load of washing on, done some gardening, and idly surfed the internet (and played around with the 'Gimp' - don't get any crazy ideas, it's merely a Linux photoshop programme, although I'm sure most of you who read this blog know that anyway.....). But now I feel at a loss of what to do. I had all these grandiose schemes in my head, but they seem to pale in comparison to having someone around. It's going to be a lonely five or so days until he gets back.
Being alone always makes me wonder how much of what you are is defined, or based by how other's percieve and treat you when you are around them. Going from being part of a partnership, or collective to being an individual. I was talking to a friend who has recently got out a long-term relationship and moved city, and she described feeling almost a loss of identity now that she has broken up from her partner. She describes missing all the 'in-jokes' they shared, and the feeling of always having someone around to talk to. She misses the nicknames and the comfort of knowing that someone is there to define who you are. I guess when you're alone, there is no one around to confirm your existance, to remind you that you are alive and that your life will leave a mark on the world.
I feel alone right now, but I also know that it is only temporary - tomorrow being a work day and the chance to socialise with my workmates. But I've realised that I don't like being alone, everything seems so much more pointless. I miss Tim so much and it makes me wonder how I'd survive if anything ever happened to him. Would I be strong enough to carry on without him? or would I even want to? I'm beginning to get an inkling about how devestating it would be to lose a spouse, and why some people seem to give up the will to live when their spouse is gone.
Any thoughts?
I dropped him off at the airport a few hours ago, and already I'm feeling rather disjointed, and not really knowing what to do with myself. So far, I've got home, put a load of washing on, done some gardening, and idly surfed the internet (and played around with the 'Gimp' - don't get any crazy ideas, it's merely a Linux photoshop programme, although I'm sure most of you who read this blog know that anyway.....). But now I feel at a loss of what to do. I had all these grandiose schemes in my head, but they seem to pale in comparison to having someone around. It's going to be a lonely five or so days until he gets back.
Being alone always makes me wonder how much of what you are is defined, or based by how other's percieve and treat you when you are around them. Going from being part of a partnership, or collective to being an individual. I was talking to a friend who has recently got out a long-term relationship and moved city, and she described feeling almost a loss of identity now that she has broken up from her partner. She describes missing all the 'in-jokes' they shared, and the feeling of always having someone around to talk to. She misses the nicknames and the comfort of knowing that someone is there to define who you are. I guess when you're alone, there is no one around to confirm your existance, to remind you that you are alive and that your life will leave a mark on the world.
I feel alone right now, but I also know that it is only temporary - tomorrow being a work day and the chance to socialise with my workmates. But I've realised that I don't like being alone, everything seems so much more pointless. I miss Tim so much and it makes me wonder how I'd survive if anything ever happened to him. Would I be strong enough to carry on without him? or would I even want to? I'm beginning to get an inkling about how devestating it would be to lose a spouse, and why some people seem to give up the will to live when their spouse is gone.
Any thoughts?
Monday, June 9, 2008
Getting old
Tick tock, tick tock.Time to watch another 'House' episode. My life is just full of good TV at the moment.
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